“Cherishing” All Of It

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Are you in a diaper-free home? Are you done with sippy cups? Have the days of waking up to crying babies kicked your ass and then passed you by like the last episode of your favorite show on a Sunday afternoon Netflix binge? If so, then I would just like to say…I’m sorry. I’m truly sorry.

See…I’m right there with you. Paw Patrol has been replaced by Minecraft. ABCMouse has been kicked aside like the ice that fell from the freezer door. And the sweet lyrics of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star are just distant memories repealed and replaced by Jake and Logan Paul songs that have been shat out from the rotted bowels of hell.

And it sucks.

I mean, don’t get me wrong. You still love and adore your little-ish humans, but they are bigger, meaner and come with a lot more issues than colic and teething. There ain’t no Gripe Water or binkies you can give to a preteen. If there were, I’d still be carrying a diaper bag instead of a debit card. I’d have more cash, no data plans, and a few less random grey hairs.

If someone would have said to me after a sleepless night back when I was in infant-land to “cherish these moments” I’d likely have punched them in the twat or dick (accordingly). I remember how tired I was. I remember how hard it was. I remember walking up and down the halls with hair that smelled like regurgitated cream cheese carrying a screaming baby at 2 am, wishing I would pass a kidney stone so I could be in the hospital with a pain pump that has one of those magic clickers filled full of bliss and a pretty nurse who calls ya “honey” because she truly cares. I remember all the crap I had to pack up and haul to leave the house and I also remember not being able two have to hands to eat a cold meal with. I remember the dirty high chairs and the sore titties and the wet board-books on the floor that had been chewed on and smelled like a recycling bin. OH…those were THE GLORY DAYS!

But those days are gone. They’re effing over. They left. Right along with the Diaper Genie, the toddler beds and those cute little rompers that snap up. There’s no more little baby kisses, baby talk, or those little puffy baby snacks that come in the yellow tubes that saved many-a-mom’s lives and that the inventor hasn’t been given a Nobel Peace Prize for (which in my opinion is unjust and wrong).

I want the baby stage back!! Holy shit! I want it back!!!

Mine are all in elementary school. I mean yes, we made it this far, so hall-eee-fucking-loo-yah, but still…I want a hug! Don’t you? And not a forced hug. A real hug. In front of their classmates when I drop off snacks to their class parties. Hugs like they gave me back in pre-school. Nowadays, I’m basically the Illuminati to my children! I’m now the enemy. I’m constantly saying “NO” and I’m repeatedly arguing with these adorable human beings (whom I created and who do not appreciate it, whatsoever). It’s now filled with homework and peer pressure and they have these things called “opinions” and those “opinions” are not about peas or which bedtime story they get. It’s about how mean I am that I don’t let them have Snapchat. And that I try to limit screen time. And that I care about their grades and them being self-sufficient and I don’t want them to make public YouTube channels!!! I mean, so what if I make them go to bed early on school nights, and want them to help with laundry and I want them to be contributing members of society and good people who care about others?!?! I mean holy hell!

We worry about them getting bullied, we worry about them playing outside while we make dinner, and we worry about them in our homes because of the internet! I mean they are still little, but they aren’t big! We do our best to keep them as safe as possible and they friggin’ hate us for it! Instead of listening to Debbie Gibson and Michael Jackson, or watching The Mickey Mouse Club like we did, they wanna watch someone else play Five Nights at Freddy’s, which is disturbing as fuck! They want to live in a world where they are protected, yet your protection isn’t wanted! They wanna be independent, yet refuse to clean up the dog shit they just ran through on their hoverboard (this could just be a personal situation. Not sure if everyone has experienced this milestone). They wanna be all grown-up and shit, but they still want us to put on their Band-Aids!!

Can someone please pass me a binkie and a glass of Pinot???

I mean raising preteens…this shit is beautiful and wonderful and all, but I’d totally trade my left nut, if I had one, to have one day to make diaper blowouts and spit-up a thing again. There’s so much weird shit going on! Deodorant, emotions, fitting in at school…it’s overwhelming and easy to feel like we’ve lost control. We can’t control what happens at school! Or while playing with friends.

I love them so much. But this is hard!

Holy shit!

So if you are out of the baby and little kid stage and on to the next level, I’m sorry, truly I am.

(And if you are in it…I feel ya bruh)

But, you are not alone. And I’m sorry that it ended so abruptly and that your world has likely been rocked by YouTubers and other weird shit you can’t make sense of. It was hard when they were babies. It’s hard now that they are older. I mean is your child in the Logang? Or a Jake Pauler? Do they play Fortnite? What the hell does this mean? How were conferences? Is it a band day? Is it wear wacky hair, sports jersey and a flip-flop on your ear at school day? Did they plan a sleepover at your house you didn’t know about? Are they only wearing shorts now, cause that’s a thing in the 25 degree weather? What effing school fundraiser deadline is it this week?

It can be a bit much.

We want them to be our babies but they are taller now and they are changing with the world they are in. It ain’t like it once was. But maybe, just maybe…we should enjoy these moments too. There’s no telling what’s in store for the future. Maybe it will get easier, maybe harder. Oh well. Moments only happen for a moment. So let’s hold tight to every side-hug. Let’s treasure every “love you too mom.” Let’s embrace each and every chance we get to help them become good people. Sippy cups and diapers may be gone, baby kisses have been wiped off. But, we never wanna look back and wish we didn’t cherish these moments…and willingly put on their Band-Aids.

Pass the Pinot…I’d cherish that too right now…

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Why I’m Not Waiting Until The New Year

Untitled designIt happens every year about this time. And it happens to a lot of us. We begin to think of all the ways we can be less of an asshole in the upcoming year and all the changes we are going to make as soon as January 1st rolls around. In other words, we start to make our New Year’s Resolutions. And let’s be honest. Many of us wait to follow through with them until January 2nd, because the 1st is technically still a holiday and we tend to need something greasy that day. But not this year. Not this year at all. I’m starting today. Here’s why:

If I wait until January 2nd for the healthy diet I’m planning on starting, I’m basically telling myself to eat as much unhealthy shit as possible while I can. I’ll likely overdo it and by January 2nd, my pants may not fit anymore and I’ll just wanna go back and wire my stupid ugly hungry jaws shut. So I’m starting today. I’m going to eat less of everything that is delicious and more green things that taste like they are green. Bring it on.

I’m going to get organized. I’m going to take the 497 papers scattered on the counter from the kids’ school and find a spot for them. SO much paperwork! Every piece of schoolwork doesn’t need to be kept, right? I need to follow the advice of Queen Elsa of Arendale and Let It Go. With all of this clutter, a girl could accidentally flip the fuck out and light it all on fire, right in the middle of the kitchen because she just can’t look at it anymore. That could very well happen and it’s dangerous, so why wait until January and risk it? I’m doing it today.

I’m going to spend more time with family and friends. I mean hell, why wait? The whole “we need to get together soon” thing is all fun and games until you are walking out to get your mail and you get hit by a bus. Or maybe even one of Kim Jung Un’s bottle rockets. A lot can happen between now and January 2nd so why put a resolution like that off?

I’m going to play more with my kids. Like actually PLAY. Board games, basketball, hell…even video games as long as I’m playing it counts, right? We get into such a routine that we sometimes forget to have fun. That freaking sucks! And look, they are growing up every day. And every day is an opportunity to NOT turn them into serial killers. I can’t waste any more time. Someone get out the Monopoly for the love of god!

I’m going to take better care of myself. Not just physically, but mentally. Less wine, more yoga. Less Netflix, more walks. There’s a million things we have to do for Christmas. There’s the gajillion gifts, the parties, the decorations, the cooking, the slamming your head against the wall while singing Jingle Bells with tears running down your face because you are overwhelmed, you just burnt the cookies, and you are trying to get Paul McCartney’s “Simply Having A Wonderful Christmastime” out of your head because they play that freaking song at every damn store in town. So yes, I need a clear head to handle this so I’m working on mental health. And just a reminder I said LESS wine, not NO wine.

When all is said and done, I never really did understand why waiting until the New Year to make your life better made sense. Why not start now? A healthier, less cluttered lifestyle wearing pants that fit while being surrounded by family and friends with less serial killers in the making and kitchen fires can’t be a bad thing. So I’m starting today.

what changes (if any) are you making to become less of an asshole this year? Feel free to leave a comment.

Tips, Truths, and Surviving Your Disney World Vacay

The family and I just got back from Walt Disney World. I just have a few thoughts/tips/tricks/and fricks to give, so I thought I’d share them with you.

Bring Money. Bring Lots And Lots Of Money.

If you’re like me and you aren’t “filtered” you may find yourself yelling “SEVEN DOLLARS for a hotdog??? Is this for real? Lemme talk to Walter Disney! This is some bullshit!!” You may then consider asking your family to fill up on packets of free ketchup to keep their blood sugars up so they can enjoy the next magical attraction without fainting. Everything is expensive. You’ve been warned.

Disney Serves Booze At The Parks!

They really do! At Epcot, Animal Kingdom and Hollywood Studios. So I suggest hitting up The Magic Kingdom on your first day there. Because by the second day…you may need a cocktail or three.

No One Likes You.

They really don’t. What looks like a lovely family in matching Mickey-T-shirts will literally run over your small children with their stroller while singing “Move Bitch…Get Out the Way.” All of this because they hate your guts and don’t want you to get in ANY line in front of them. To the other tourists, you and your family are nothing but pond scum.

Bring Grandma. Bring Her Ass!

Not only do you have an extra set of hands, but when you are ready to climb to the top of Splash Mountain and hurl yourself into the briar patch, she’ll take the younglings for a bathroom break and then buy them cotton candy. You won’t care that they’ll be cracked out on sugar, you just appreciate the helping hand. So bring granny along. You won’t regret it.

Sleep In!

Everyone wants to be the first one there. Calm. The. Hell. Down. Is this not a vacation? Are you afraid they will run out of seven dollar hotdogs? They won’t! Joining the masses that set their alarm clocks will only make for a long day and you’ll run out of steam by the time the crowd thins out.

Be Honest With Your Children.

Instead of saying, “We are going to see Mickey Mouse!” You should really prepare them upfront by telling the truth. “We are going to be standing for very long time to try and take a picture with Mickey Mouse. You will likely bitch and moan the whole time. When we finally get to the front of the line, you will probably have to pee, so don’t get your hopes up kiddo.”

Be Prepared To Wait.

Wait for buses. Wait for the monorail. Wait for food. Wait for boats. Waiting is part of the experience. It can be a boring, miserable, sweaty, anxious waiting game. But remember…good things come to those who wait.

You Will Fight.

Time is valuable and everyone in your travel party will have their own ideas on how to make the most of it. This is natural. For example, you may see a mom who is rage-pushing a double stroller and a dad trailing behind looking like he just got his ass chewed. This is usually for something as simple as him wandering off to look at overpriced merchandise while she spent 30 minutes looking for him after SHE had to be the one to take the kids to the bathroom, again. Now she’s pissed because she told him to STAY RIGHT THERE and wait for her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But he couldn’t stay right there. He just HAD to wander off! How hard is it to stay in one freaking spot??? I mean for the love of all that is holy! He should have just stayed there for f*ck’s sake!

Last But Not Least:

This Will Be An Awesome Experience

No matter the money, the waiting, the fighting, all it will take is one moment. It will be a moment when you see pure magic in your child’s eyes. Maybe it’s while watching fireworks, maybe it’s seeing the castle for the first time. But you will get a what I can only assume (I swear) is a heroin-like euphoria watching the looks of happiness on the faces of your children. It will make it all worth it. Just keep in mind that after the high, you will totally crash and then you’ll want to do it all again.

So be prepared to start planning your next trip the day after you get home. It’s stressful, expensive, crowded but most of all, it’s magical AF.

Look At It This Way Mom…

So…something happened today that was super inspiring to me and so I thought I would share it with you because I thought maybe it would inspire you as well.

As some of you know I have a child who has Tourette Syndrome (and for anyone who doesn’t know what that is, it’s a neurological disorder, where the body makes some uncontrollable movements or sounds, such as blinking, hand shaking, throat-clearing, etc) By the way…it’s NOT what you see on television and movies. “Comedians” can be real assholes and they really piss me off when they make people believe this is something that it’s not (but that’s beside the point).

Back to the inspiring stuff.

So last night my kiddo was super bummed and teary-eyed and was feeling really down. We talked and I found out that lately, there’s been a lot of people staring at him, especially at school. I also found out that he’s been trying to suppress his tics and that his muscles were hurting. Imagine not being able to stop shaking your hands in the 4th grade and everyone is staring at you. So he basically tries to tighten his muscles all day and hold in the tics and he gets sore. Right? Breaks my heart. We hugged and talked and he went to school this morning.

But I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I couldn’t stop thinking about whether or not my son was sitting in a classroom in physical and emotional pain. So…I stopped by the school, signed him out and we went to the park for lunch.

I won’t say everything we talked about because, Pokemon and stuff like that. But I told him I want to find a way to help him. I don’t want him to feel this way. And the next thing I knew I was sitting there and basically being schooled by my child. Here’s what he told me:

Mom, I was just having a hard time yesterday. Yes, my tics are frustrating and they hurt me sometimes and I get pretty sore. And it really does hurt when people stare. I feel so embarrassed. But think about it Mom, some kids don’t have food to eat. They don’t have homes. They can’t go to school. Some kids have cancer. Some kids live in countries that are getting bombed. Look at it this way Mom…I’m pretty lucky. I’ll be fine. If there was a cure for Tourette’s, I wouldn’t accept it because I think God made the right choice when he gave me this. I think He knew I could handle it.

Well…(of course I’m sobbing at this point). We hug it out and he looks at the clock on his Fit Bit and says, “Mom…I have to get back to school by 1:25. We have a Social Studies project we are working on.”

I mean really?

I’m not writing this to say, “Oh MY kid is so great and I feel the need to gloat about it” because he can act like a total lunatic just like every other kid. But the lesson he taught me was that when life gets you down you have to put things in perspective. I know we all have certain issues in our lives, but perspective is going to be a new normal for me. Of course I’ll still bitch and moan about all the laundry but in my heart I’ll know I’m lucky that I have laundry to do, and I’m lucky I have the people around me that I do it for.

(And yes I make them help with laundry…but only a little bit because you should see the way my husband and kids fold towels!)

I hope that if a 10 year-old boy with an incurable neurological disorder can not only cope with it, but look at it from the perspective of how lucky he is to have it…then the rest of us can find perspective in our own lives.

That’s all. And thanks for reading this. xoxo

Things I Learned The Hard Way (So Now You Don’t Have To)

Look, I’m just putting this out there. It’s up to you if you want to follow my advice.

Do NOT take a laxative and Benadryl combination before bed. I don’t care how bad you want to poo or how sniffly and itchy your nose is. Do you wanna wake up at 3 a.m. with gut wrenching stomach cramps and Ole Faithful coming out your asshole all while sleep-walking your way to the shitter? No. You. Don’t.

Do NOT make a joke at preschool drop-off like, “I swear I didn’t freebase this morning, I’m just not a morning person.” People may actually think you’re on drugs and will then slowly back away from you and act as a human shield in front of their child. And then shit just gets awkward.

Do NOT tell your kids “maybe,” unless you mean 100% absolutely YES without a doubt, not even a natural disaster will prevent whatever this thing is that you are “maybe-ing” from happening.

Do NOT buy candy at the movie theater. I know I know. It’s against the rules. But you’re already paying a gazillion bucks to take your family to see the latest hit “animated motion picture” and movie candy is EXPENSIVE! If you wanna waste your hard-earned dineros on Milk Duds, that’s your prerogative. But I’m gonna grab a great big purse, fill it with Dollar Tree candy and drinks. Then I’ll buy the popcorn at the theater because movie popcorn is well…priceless.

Do NOT clean your house before your kids have friends over. This especially applies to bathrooms before sleepovers and those with boys. You may as well just go and piss on everything yourself. Go ahead. In fact, go one step further and piss in a water gun…go into every bathroom and just shoot. Aimlessly. Close your eyes and blast away. Because that’s what you’re going to wake up to anyways.

Do NOT take people’s shit. You can still be a nice person and have a backbone. It’s taken me almost my whole life to realize this.

Do NOT try to substitute olive oil for vegetable oil when you are making brownies. All oils are not the same (I thought an olive was a veggie so…). But they’ll taste like shit and your kids will lose respect for you and you will lose respect for yourself. Trust me on this one.

Do NOT expect to have an immaculately clean home when you have kids. It ain’t gonna happen. They are going to puke, step in dog shit, play, throw socks that land in hanging light fixtures and you won’t know it until the fire alarm goes off because that sonofabitch has caught on fire. Phew…shit happens, so don’t expect it not to.

Do NOT forget to laugh. Laugh at funny movies, videos, funny stuff your kids say, but mostly do not forget to laugh at yourself. You are probably one of the funniest people you know if you stop and think about all the weird shit you do.

*Hope this helps a little bit. Or at least gave you a chuckle

Bitch-slap the like button or share if you like. Thanks for reading me.

Explaining To My Kids That Some People Are D*cks

I love when my kids come to me with their problems and look for guidance and advice. It’s important to me that they feel they can be open and confide in me. The only problem is that lately it has been getting hard for me to answer a lot of their questions.

Mom, Timmy Timmerson told me I’m pathetic and I can’t play kickball at recess. Why is he so mean?”

Well son, Timmy Timmerson is a dick.

How else do I explain it? I could come up with some BS about how Timmy really is just insecure and so he acts like a bully. I could offer up the notion that Timmy is afraid that he’ll be shown up on the kickball field. Or I could just be honest. In fact, I don’t think it’s such a bad thing to teach my kids about how people are dicks. With the state that this world is in at this point, it would answer so many questions.

Like…

*Why are there robbers?

*Why are people scaring the living shit out everyone by dressing up like clowns?

*Why do people have 24 items in the 20 or less express checkout lane?

*Why do bicyclists ride in the middle of the street and not use the fucking bike lane that’s right there?

*Why do people have to leave judgey rude comments on Facebook?

*Why do people get on elevators before others get off?

*Why do people hurt animals? Really? Why?

*Why don’t people scooch up in the school pick-up line?

*Why do people take the last breadstick at the Olive Garden and then tell the server we don’t need anymore when they come back to ask if we do?

*Why do people stare at parents when their toddler is throwing a tantrum in a store? We don’t need an audience.

*Why do people have to talk so loud on their cell phones in public so everybody can hear it?

*Why can’t people just flush the damn toilet? No one wants to see that shit (literally).

*Why can people be so hateful?

*Why do people leave Facebook statuses like, “this is my opinion and if you don’t agree with it then unfriend me because I don’t like close-minded people.” (Did ya notice that steaming pile of hypocrisy?)

*Why do people cut in line?

So many questions. One simple answer. People are dicks. Of course NOT ALL people are dicks. There are so many great people in this world. There are people who treat others with kindness, compassion and respect. However, there are other Timmy Timmersons out there just wating to spread their dicky-dickish-ness all over the place. And I want my children to know it. But I also want them to be able to recognize the dickish behaviors of all the dicks for a lot of reasons…but mostly:

So that they do not become dicks themselves.

*and yes I use slightly different words with my children, so don’t hate me.

Share if you like it. I like if you share. Thanks!!!

WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING?

I have been struggling with something lately. But let’s be real here, I’m a mom. So of course I’ve been struggling with something. I have so many questions. I’ve been doing this for 9 years now. I try so hard, but I’m in constant fear of screwing everything up. I don’t aim for perfection, I just want to raise decent human beings. Why after all this time, can I still not figure out what the hell I’m doing?

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When I have concerns about my child at school, it seems like emailing the teacher would be the right thing to do. But should I do it? Is the issue even big enough to bring up? Or should I trust that my kiddo is in good hands and it will work itself out? I certainly don’t wanna be the psycho parent that gets the eye-roll every time an email pops up with my name on it. I don’t want my child to be treated differently because his mother is a ball of nerves that overreacts and asks for “a quick chat” after school. I mean hell, why would the teacher want to stay after school to talk to me when they have probably been counting down the minutes for the bell to ring? Tonight’s probably the night they planned to meet friends for happy hour. Should I only bring things up if they are directly effecting his learning? I need a freaking graph that shows me which issues warrant contacting the teacher.

Dammit! I suck at this.

If some little punk assholes are picking on my kid, should I get involved and threaten to smack their mothers? Or should I back off and let him learn how to deal with these jerks on his own? I’m not always going to be able to be there to save the day and he needs to learn to stand up for himself. However, the fact still remains…one mustn’t f*ck with a mama bear’s cubs. We tend to get defensive and the last thing I need right now is a criminal record.

I’m not qualified for this position.

If I come home from dropping my kid off at school and I notice that he left his backpack in the middle of the kitchen floor, do I run it up to him? I’ve been there. I’ve done it. I forget things all the time. Hell, I showed up at the veterinarian’s office last week for an appointment and I brought the wrong dog! This kind of thing happens. But would bringing the backpack up to him be considered “rescuing?” Is it better to let him learn the hard way to remember his things? Or do we all need a little help sometimes?

Momming is hard.

How do I know how old the kids should be before I let them play outside alone? Should I stay outside the whole time and watch from a distance? Is that hovering? What if I actually rented a f*cking helicopter and hired a pilot to fly me over them while they are out playing and when they go to school so that I can always keep an eye on them? Eventually they’d get used to the noise and the extreme winds. Is that too much? Maybe I should say screw it and go full-blown free-range. I could just let them all get emancipated and call it a day…then I’ll go meet the teacher for happy hour.

I’m totally free-balling this mom-gig.

I do know one thing. My biggest mistake has been trying to figure out situations like these based on how I think other moms would handle them. That doesn’t work because these are MY kids. My circumstances, my life, and my children’s need are different than everyone else’s. There is no one that can make these decisions for me. I need to follow my instincts. I need to do what I feel is right. So maybe in a way, I know what the hell I’m doing after all. I’m doing my best.

That’s what I’m doing.

*Share or like if you like to share! Thanks for reading. xoxo*