Are you in a diaper-free home? Are you done with sippy cups? Have the days of waking up to crying babies kicked your ass and then passed you by like the last episode of your favorite show on a Sunday afternoon Netflix binge? If so, then I would just like to say…I’m sorry. I’m truly sorry.
See…I’m right there with you. Paw Patrol has been replaced by Minecraft. ABCMouse has been kicked aside like the ice that fell from the freezer door. And the sweet lyrics of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star are just distant memories repealed and replaced by Jake and Logan Paul songs that have been shat out from the rotted bowels of hell.
And it sucks.
I mean, don’t get me wrong. You still love and adore your little-ish humans, but they are bigger, meaner and come with a lot more issues than colic and teething. There ain’t no Gripe Water or binkies you can give to a preteen. If there were, I’d still be carrying a diaper bag instead of a debit card. I’d have more cash, no data plans, and a few less random grey hairs.
If someone would have said to me after a sleepless night back when I was in infant-land to “cherish these moments” I’d likely have punched them in the twat or dick (accordingly). I remember how tired I was. I remember how hard it was. I remember walking up and down the halls with hair that smelled like regurgitated cream cheese carrying a screaming baby at 2 am, wishing I would pass a kidney stone so I could be in the hospital with a pain pump that has one of those magic clickers filled full of bliss and a pretty nurse who calls ya “honey” because she truly cares. I remember all the crap I had to pack up and haul to leave the house and I also remember not being able two have to hands to eat a cold meal with. I remember the dirty high chairs and the sore titties and the wet board-books on the floor that had been chewed on and smelled like a recycling bin. OH…those were THE GLORY DAYS!
But those days are gone. They’re effing over. They left. Right along with the Diaper Genie, the toddler beds and those cute little rompers that snap up. There’s no more little baby kisses, baby talk, or those little puffy baby snacks that come in the yellow tubes that saved many-a-mom’s lives and that the inventor hasn’t been given a Nobel Peace Prize for (which in my opinion is unjust and wrong).
I want the baby stage back!! Holy shit! I want it back!!!
Mine are all in elementary school. I mean yes, we made it this far, so hall-eee-fucking-loo-yah, but still…I want a hug! Don’t you? And not a forced hug. A real hug. In front of their classmates when I drop off snacks to their class parties. Hugs like they gave me back in pre-school. Nowadays, I’m basically the Illuminati to my children! I’m now the enemy. I’m constantly saying “NO” and I’m repeatedly arguing with these adorable human beings (whom I created and who do not appreciate it, whatsoever). It’s now filled with homework and peer pressure and they have these things called “opinions” and those “opinions” are not about peas or which bedtime story they get. It’s about how mean I am that I don’t let them have Snapchat. And that I try to limit screen time. And that I care about their grades and them being self-sufficient and I don’t want them to make public YouTube channels!!! I mean, so what if I make them go to bed early on school nights, and want them to help with laundry and I want them to be contributing members of society and good people who care about others?!?! I mean holy hell!
We worry about them getting bullied, we worry about them playing outside while we make dinner, and we worry about them in our homes because of the internet! I mean they are still little, but they aren’t big! We do our best to keep them as safe as possible and they friggin’ hate us for it! Instead of listening to Debbie Gibson and Michael Jackson, or watching The Mickey Mouse Club like we did, they wanna watch someone else play Five Nights at Freddy’s, which is disturbing as fuck! They want to live in a world where they are protected, yet your protection isn’t wanted! They wanna be independent, yet refuse to clean up the dog shit they just ran through on their hoverboard (this could just be a personal situation. Not sure if everyone has experienced this milestone). They wanna be all grown-up and shit, but they still want us to put on their Band-Aids!!
Can someone please pass me a binkie and a glass of Pinot???
I mean raising preteens…this shit is beautiful and wonderful and all, but I’d totally trade my left nut, if I had one, to have one day to make diaper blowouts and spit-up a thing again. There’s so much weird shit going on! Deodorant, emotions, fitting in at school…it’s overwhelming and easy to feel like we’ve lost control. We can’t control what happens at school! Or while playing with friends.
I love them so much. But this is hard!
So if you are out of the baby and little kid stage and on to the next level, I’m sorry, truly I am.
(And if you are in it…I feel ya bruh)
But, you are not alone. And I’m sorry that it ended so abruptly and that your world has likely been rocked by YouTubers and other weird shit you can’t make sense of. It was hard when they were babies. It’s hard now that they are older. I mean is your child in the Logang? Or a Jake Pauler? Do they play Fortnite? What the hell does this mean? How were conferences? Is it a band day? Is it wear wacky hair, sports jersey and a flip-flop on your ear at school day? Did they plan a sleepover at your house you didn’t know about? Are they only wearing shorts now, cause that’s a thing in the 25 degree weather? What effing school fundraiser deadline is it this week?
It can be a bit much.
We want them to be our babies but they are taller now and they are changing with the world they are in. It ain’t like it once was. But maybe, just maybe…we should enjoy these moments too. There’s no telling what’s in store for the future. Maybe it will get easier, maybe harder. Oh well. Moments only happen for a moment. So let’s hold tight to every side-hug. Let’s treasure every “love you too mom.” Let’s embrace each and every chance we get to help them become good people. Sippy cups and diapers may be gone, baby kisses have been wiped off. But, we never wanna look back and wish we didn’t cherish these moments…and willingly put on their Band-Aids.
Pass the Pinot…I’d cherish that too right now…