Motherhood: What I Say vs. What I am Thinking

~ To the man gawking at me at Target while my kids are throwing a fit who rolls his eyes in disgust, and is looking at me like I am the worst mother in the world…

 What I Say: (with a smile) “They must be tired…the little rascals!”

What I am Thinking: Look at me for 2 more seconds asshole and I yell “sick ’em” and my boys will rip the flesh right off your legs all the way to the bone. Trust me…they bite.

 ~To the woman at the park who says “what a cute baby…is it a boy or a girl?”

 What I Say: (smile) “He’s just a pretty little boy!”

What I am Thinking: Does the black shirt with the skulls and cross-bones not give you a clue, you dumb idiot? It’s actually a girl, we just figured she may have gender identity issues, so I dress her like a boy just incase. Perhaps I should take off his diaper for clarification and watch him piss in your face.

 ~To the lady at the pumpkin patch who is pretending not to be taking pictures of me on her iphone as I’m giving my baby a few sips of my Diet Coke (gasp!) which by the way, has probably gone viral…

What I Say: (smile) “Cheese!”

 What I am Thinking: Hey bitch, have you ever wanted to see the inside of your colon? Because I’ll come over there and shove that i-phone right up your ass, and we’ll see how those pictures come out! I sure hope that fancy camera phone has a flash on it!

Being a mother is a tough job. There are a lot of idiots out there that are going to judge you. There will always be people that say stupid things. My advice to you is to just keep smiling, not only does it make you look normal, but it will keep you out of jail.

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Five signs that it may be time for your man to get a vasectomy.

1.  You have so many children that it has become easier to call them by a number rather than their actual names because you can’t ever get it right anyway.  Example: “Number 3…I told you to quit choking Number 4!”

2. You spout off the names of at least 4 prescription antidepressants and/or anxiety medications without having to think about it for more than 5 seconds.

3. You occasionally scroll through Craigslist for a used Econoline Van, just incase you all might actually have to go somewhere together at the same time.

4. In order to get a night out of the house, you must secure at least two able-bodied childcare providers, because you are the only one who can (even kind of) manage the kids on your own.

5. Your most common sexual fantasy has recently started to include the vas deferens, rubber gloves, a clamp, and an ice pack.

This list is not all inclusive, and I am not a medical doctor. I am not telling you to immediately run your hubby up to the vet to get neutered. I am simply a “been there, done that” kind of chick. You may want more kids…if thats the case, hop of the plane to pleasure town with out a parachute and  enjoy yourself. If you are experiencing any of these signs and feel you are at maximum capacity, I will say that there is some personal gratification in seeing your husband limp around with sore balls for a while…I’m sure he’s done something to deserve it at one point or another, and payback’s a bitch.

Are you a “Sign-Up-Aholic”?

Its fall…and I’d like to see if anyone else has a disorder called “sign-up-aholic disorder” ? I have recently diagnosed myself with this plaguing condition. It involves signing up on every single volunteer sheet you see.  Halloween party planner…sign my ass up!  Fundraiser organizer…put my name down bitch! You say there’s an open slot on the list of moms needed to come in and do classroom projects…SOMEONE GIVE ME A FUCKING PEN!!!!  The adrenaline rush and supermom feeling one gets when signing up and committing to these activities is later followed by a period of lowly feelings which include but are not limited to…overwhelmed, stressed, anxious, nervous, overworked, under appreciated,  and fucked. If you or a loved one suffer from any of these symptoms, please find a support group and do not carry pens…ever.  If you MUST carry a writing utensil on your person, make sure it has an eraser.  Thank you and have a great day!

WELCOME!!!

Today I would like to welcome you to my blog.  This blog is for the perfectly imperfect mothers out there who would like to discuss REAL mommy issues. If nothing else, it might make you feel better about yourself.  My kids don’t sleep through the night, they don’t like vegetables, and this morning I had to throw their toothbrushes away because someone left a banana peel in the bathroom trash can and we got fruit flies.  Their toothbrushes were covered with about 50 of those dirty little bastards.  So…my 5 and 6 year old got a piece of Trident instead of brushing their teeth and I sent them to school.  I’d like to say that I’m going to run out as soon as possible and get new ones, but I have something more pressing going on.

Yesterday, I gave the kids Halloween “decals” or “window clings” to decorate my front door windows with.  They were not in fact “decals” they were fucking stickers.  So after I close this computer I will go down and try to remove all of these stickers from my window. This is how I will spend my time while my baby is asleep today.  Should be a real fun time…when he wakes up, we’ll go get some new toothbrushes…and some fly paper.