Motherhood: What I Say vs. What I am Thinking

~ To the man gawking at me at Target while my kids are throwing a fit who rolls his eyes in disgust, and is looking at me like I am the worst mother in the world…

 What I Say: (with a smile) “They must be tired…the little rascals!”

What I am Thinking: Look at me for 2 more seconds asshole and I yell “sick ’em” and my boys will rip the flesh right off your legs all the way to the bone. Trust me…they bite.

 ~To the woman at the park who says “what a cute baby…is it a boy or a girl?”

 What I Say: (smile) “He’s just a pretty little boy!”

What I am Thinking: Does the black shirt with the skulls and cross-bones not give you a clue, you dumb idiot? It’s actually a girl, we just figured she may have gender identity issues, so I dress her like a boy just incase. Perhaps I should take off his diaper for clarification and watch him piss in your face.

 ~To the lady at the pumpkin patch who is pretending not to be taking pictures of me on her iphone as I’m giving my baby a few sips of my Diet Coke (gasp!) which by the way, has probably gone viral…

What I Say: (smile) “Cheese!”

 What I am Thinking: Hey bitch, have you ever wanted to see the inside of your colon? Because I’ll come over there and shove that i-phone right up your ass, and we’ll see how those pictures come out! I sure hope that fancy camera phone has a flash on it!

Being a mother is a tough job. There are a lot of idiots out there that are going to judge you. There will always be people that say stupid things. My advice to you is to just keep smiling, not only does it make you look normal, but it will keep you out of jail.

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