That’s My Boy…

Some days in our lives we have to wake up and smell the coffee. We have to pull our heads out of our asses and face reality. This can be extremely tough to do, but wouldn’t you rather smell coffee than your colon?

My precious and brilliant son was diagnosed with Tourette’s Syndrome a week and half ago. I’ve always felt deep down inside that he’s had it. We’ve gone through countless tests and doctors and received so many different answers. This is partially due to the fact that Tourette’s symptoms don’t usually appear until around the age of seven or eight. He’s had involuntary movements, otherwise known as “tics” since he was only eight months old. I don’t know why I feel so relieved. Shouldn’t I be devastated? No, the answer is no. Maybe now I can face the reality and recognize the fact that this sweet, funny, remarkably smart kid has a neurological disorder and now I know what it is. The unfortunate part is that it has a…stigma. In other words, people don’t understand it and many people tend to be afraid of what they don’t understand. No, he does not yell out cuss words. That’s something that television and movies have used to sensationalize Tourette’s in order to make money. The whole cussing thing is very rare with Tourette’s. It’s me, his mother who yells out the cuss words, remember?

 Yes, he shakes his hands. Yes, he sometimes has to touch things with his chin or two fingers. Yes, he occasionally blinks and gets caught in a stare. Yes, he skips when he walks. Yes, he is wonderful. Yes, he is amazing. Yes, he is always two steps ahead of me and gets through life in a different way. I am so lucky to be his mother. His family is so lucky to be his family. His friends are so lucky to be his friends. This is because we all have the privilege of getting to know someone who can experience the world in a way we never will be able to. He has wonderful friends who see him as their buddy, not a kid who has Tourette’s. He is perfect. I would not change him if I could. He’s just an awesome little boy who loves Skylanders, loves his friends, and loves The Miami Heat. His spirit is bigger than any diagnosis he could ever have.

 I would like to add that I think people should learn about kids (and people in general) who are different. It’s time that the world starts trying to adapt to people who are different, instead of expecting them to always adapt to “our” world. Besides, was it ever really “ours” to begin with?

 Disclaimer: If anyone out there (who is old enough to know better) stares, laughs, or points at my child or any other child who has something different about them in anyway and I happen to catch it…I will break every fucking bone in every fucking limb of their stupid fucking body. I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again, everybody is somebody’s somebody. He is a lot of people’s somebody, especially mine…

 ~Love to all

 Kristen (aka luckiest mom ever)

 I know I have said that I don’t like to write about things are too personal. However, after a lot of soul-searching and talks with my family, we have decided that advocating for kids with Tourette’s Syndrome is part of our responsibility and we are honored to do so.  

My Un-Thankful List

There are so many reasons to be thankful and I count my blessings and thank my lucky stars every night for all of the wonderful things in my life. I’m grateful and take nothing for granted, especially when it comes to my family and friends. However, (you were waiting for the however, right?) I am also a person with feelings and there are some things that I am not thankful for. Here is my short list:

  1. Playing a $100 on a slot machine without even hitting a fucking bonus. Really???
  2. People who get in front of me at Sonic Happy Hour at 3:56 and take 5 minutes ordering so I miss my half-price Diet Coke by one minute because they are too busy twiddling their balls to decide what flavor of slush they want! My mini-van can handle some dings bitches, now move!
  3. Buying cookie dough ice cream that has like two actual chunks of cookie dough #*%!
  4. People that get on an elevator before others can get off
  5. Politicians
  6. The lady with the permed bangs that I get scheduled with to color and cut my hair because my regular girl is out on maternity leave
  7. People who are mean to other people and/or animals
  8. Having to make small talk during a pap smear
  9. Dog With a Blog
  10. Having to take a “sample” of egg rolls at Walmart just because the cute little old lady working the sample stand offers you one and you don’t want to say no, so you do it anyways even though you hate egg rolls and she forgets to inform you that they just came out of the toaster oven so the whole top of your mouth is burnt off and bleeding and you have to make it around the corner until you can spit the damned thing into a napkin and put it in your purse until you can find a trash can on the way out…skin just hanging from your mouth…dreadful pain

Thanksgiving is a time for gratitude. Again, my list of things I’m thankful for is much longer than this one. I’m just trying to keep things real and understand and appreciate that sometimes things are shitty. I’m thankful that I can admit that.

Happy Turkey Week to all!

Is Your Relationship in Trouble?

Everyone reaches a point in their relationship when things get a little rocky. If it hasn’t come yet…it will. This is normal. Things can get better and I am going to give you some tips to help you make it right.

  1. If you are a man, then quit fucking doing whatever it is you are doing to piss her off. It’s not rocket science! Whatever you are doing that gets her blood boiling and her fists clenching…STOP IT! I mean it! Stop it right now!
  1. If you are a man, then clean something! My grandmother once told me, “there is nothing sexier than a man with a dish rag in his hand!” She was right. DO some laundry, and I don’t mean switch it over. I mean fold it and put it away…this will get your lady to fall in love with you all over again.
  1. If you are a man, just smile. Chances are, if you say something its going to be wrong anyway. So just shut the fuck up! Smile. Not only is it nice, but it’s not hard to do. There are only a few men that will actually be able to screw this one up.
  1. If you are a man, don’t buy her flowers. As soon as they die, it will just remind her that she was pissed at you before you bought the damn flowers. This is a band-aid solution. Don’t do it. If you want to buy her something, buy her jewelry, a new purse, book her an appointment at the spa. No flowers. Bad choice.
  1. If you are a woman, keep doing what you are doing. You haven’t done anything wrong. HE has! Make him read this and then go get prettied up for your day at the spa…he’ll stay home and do the laundry.

I hope this has been a helpful and useful tool on getting your relationship back on track. We all go through this. I mean look at Pretty Woman for pitysake. She was a hooker and he still screwed it up. Men need to learn these skills and then things will be fine. My thoughts are with you.

The Colors That Matter…

I do not share “personal” stories on my blog that often, but this one was kind of a big deal to me…you have to read it all the way through to get the point.

During a car ride with my three children to get my Diet Coke, which is something very routine that I do many times a day, one of my boys (my 5 year-old) asked me a question, “Mom, are the guys who have lighter skin good and the ones who have darker skin bad?”

I immediately hit my inner panic button, which had a red light blinking, and I could hear the alarm going off in my brain. I almost slammed on the brakes. Why would he ask me this? Where would he have heard something like that? What the hell is going on? I looked back at his sweet little face and did the best I could. I explained to him that having darker skin makes absolutely no difference in whether a person is good or bad. I went on and on reaching from everyplace I could find within myself to have this conversation. I knew what to say, but not how to say it to a five year-old.

We don’t discuss people’s skin color in our house. It’s not something that is brought up. There is actually a reason for this, and that’s because I want my kids to see people as being people, and not as being a certain race. My kids have no idea that they are a “white” person and they don’t use the word “black” person. Not that its a bad thing to say black or white, it’s just something I would rather not matter to them. For example, my 5 year-old is very good friends with a little boy who is from India. When I asked which one out of the class he was so that I could meet his parents and talk to them about a play date, he simply described him as “ya know, the one I play with at recess. He’s a little taller than me and has brown skin and he thinks I’m hilarious.”

Anyway, I was sweating balls and determined to drive the point home about how skin color makes no difference. We got to my caffeine castle, which I needed at that point more than ever. I stopped the car, put it in park, and looked in the back of my van at my three sweet boys’ faces. I felt like I had just put in overtime and was nervous as to whether I had just performed this ten minute monologue correctly.

“Do you understand what I’m saying buddy?” I asked.

He looked me at me like I was batshit crazy. “Mom…come on, I know all of that. I meant on Minecraft. You know how like the Creepers are green, white, and black and the Endermen are black with purples eyes. The Zombie Pigs are like all kinds of weird colors. Herobrine looks like Stevie except he has white eyes, he’s a really bad guy, the baddest guy you could ever see. He can beat a giant robot with just one hit. I just didn’t know if you can tell who the bad guys are by what color they are. They are just all different colors.”

My (almost ) 7 year-old chimed in. “Yeah mom, he’s talking about Minecraft. We know that God makes everyone the same and people have the choice whether to be good or bad in real life. Come on, Mom. You really think we didn’t know that?”

Well, guess what?…I treated myself to a Route 44 Diet Coke, instead of my usual Large Diet Coke. The kids got milkshakes and I enjoyed my ride all the way home, and was able to breathe a huge sigh of relief. I had just realized that as imperfect as I am, that I have done something right! It’s about fucking time!!

Just one more tidbit: I am aware that one day they will have to learn that some people do make an issue out of race. I am just so glad that they will not be one of them. There is one slight exception. My oldest son did ask me once if it was possible to get his skin darker because he wants to be like LeBron James. I’m sorry, but that’s cute. Who could blame him? LeBron is the man! 🙂

Not in the Mood???

Try these excuses and techniques that will help get you out from between the “rock” and the “hard-on”

  1. I’m ovulating…right this very second…I can actually feel the egg moving down the tube just waiting for a stray to find it

  2. I totally forgot to buy razors the last few times I was at the store and things are getting a little “Duck Dynasty” down there

  3. If you wait until tomorrow night, we can do it however you want (this only works if you immediately come down with the flu by tomorrow night)

  4. Listen carefully to this one: Immediately pick up the phone, call his mother and let it ring…once it starts ringing hand him the phone and say, “your mom wants to talk to you.” Then leave the room. It will kill the mood everytime

  5. Turn on Saved by the Bell reruns…not only is the pun intended, but no one can focus on anything but Zach, Kelly, Lisa, Slater, Jessie, and Screech when that show is on…no joke

Women get tired sometimes and quite often, the last thing we want at the end of the day is to be touched. Keep these tricks handy when you find yourself in that type of situation. You can thank me later.

Disclaimer: If you are wanting some, or if you are trying to have a baby…then happy humping to you!



Antibacterial Wipes…What Up With That? A Beautiful Poem, by Kristen Lynn

I use you day and use you night

And still my bathrooms are not right

You’re good for wiping off the piss

But stupid wipes, please tell me this

My kids are coughing, we are sick

Why aren’t you working? You dumb prick

I wipe the door knobs and the rails

Yet all I get are epic fails

Why waste my money on your lies?

My baby coughs all night and cries

Don’t give me shit about the season

I know its not the only reason

Ninety-nine percent of germs

That one percent could give us worms

So fuck yourselves you stupid wipes

My kids are croupy down their pipes

I’m gonna throw you in the trash

I’ll save all of my hard earned cash

From this day on, my house will stink

My walls may be the color pink

The next few days, I will be fillin’

Prescriptions of amoxicillin

I’ll scrub my counters and my walls

Spread pinky mixture down the halls

Compared to you, this should work well

You’ve been replaced, now GO TO HELL!

The Perfect Mom

Today, I’m going to be sharing some delicious festive fall recipes that I have tried and I’m sure you will love!!! Get out your aprons…your tastebuds and your families will thank you. Not really…I’m just bullshitting. I don’t cook.

My question is: Are You the Perfect Mom?

  • Do you vaccinate? If you have answered either yes or no to this question…you are not perfect. Some will argue that there are too many unknown chemicals in vaccines, while some want to prevent polio.
  • Do you feed your children high vegetable and fruit diets with low sugar and only healthy fats? If you answered either yes or no, then you suck. Some will argue that not sticking to a completely healthy diet will result in childhood obesity, while some believe kids should enjoy a treat now and then.
  • Did you have a glass of wine on occasion while pregnant? If this answer is a yay or a nay, then you should be ashamed. Some believe that even a drop of alcohol is not safe for a growing fetus, while others will argue that a glass of red wine is good for the maternal heart rate, which could be beneficial to the baby.
  • Have you spanked your child…ever? Check Yes or No…you’re just plain awful! Many experts believe that spanking teaches kids to hit. Many others might feel, “that kid needs his ass beat.”
  • Are you a helicopter mother who watches over your children because you are constantly worried about their safety and emotional well-being? Now if you say yes or no, I’m calling child protective services. Many believe that children will not develop proper coping techniques in life if you protect them from everything. On the flip side, there are those who will kick your ass if you mess with their kids.

The truth is that I’m finding no matter what we do, it’s always wrong, according to someone. I wish everyone would just shut their big mouth holes and let us parent our own children. My favorite are the “judgy” mothers who pop out a kid and all of a sudden they are “experts” about EVERYTHING. I have three children and I will still admit that I don’t know what the hell I am doing. No one’s perfect, with the exception of Mary Poppins. However in my opinion, I wouldn’t be surprised if that “spoon” full of sugar didn’t have a lighter underneath it to help the medicine go down. Just sayin…

Times, They are a Changing…

Halloween is over and it is time for change. The leaves are changing colors, the weather is getting colder, and our asses will begin to get larger. We should all have enough candy to last us until our Thanksgiving feast. It is at this time we will most likely up our pants size until the spring’s “get your body back craze” begins. I embrace these changes with an open heart and open mind. Throw out those rotting pumpkins, toss those expensive costumes in the dress-up bin, and throw out your razors ladies…its pants and sweatshirts time! No need to get those bi-weekly pedicures, because no one can see your little piggies through your cute new fall boots! Basically, we get to let ourselves go to shit for the next four months. Enjoy yourselves…it’s the most wonderful time of the year! Change is good my friends…change is good.

Do not mistake this post as me telling you to stop feeling good about yourself. Keep your self in check if that’s what is important to you. However, if you are going to change with the season, I suggest you have a back-up plan. Here’s mine: The minute I start to feel like I’ve lost my sexy, I’m going to go to the garage and get out the sledge hammer and lick it.