I love looking at magazines with all of those cutie-patootie-slut-whore-bags on them, strutting their perfectly chic stuff on city streets, while rocking the latest fashion trends. However, when it comes to finding the perfect mommy wardrobe, I find it hard to apply their sense of fashion to my everyday life. Here are some reasons why…
Maxi dresses…one of last summer’s must-haves, which seems to be carrying over into the long-sleeved winter version and will probably loop its way around again this spring and summer. Well, I’m five whole feet of fabulous, so when I wear one of these, I look the The Wicked Witch of the West after the ol’ bitch got splashed with water. Not a good look.
Layering…yeah, okay. First of all, the magazines are always blabbing about how it’s so simple and easy. What they fail to mention is that it’s also fucking expensive! So you buy a pair of jeans, (cha-ching) then you buy the top, (cha-ching) then a cardi, (cha-ching) then a scarf, (cha-ching) then a long coat, (cha-ching) then a pair of boots, (cha-ching) then the socks that stick out the top of the boots, (cha-ching) then you must accessorize with jewelry and a killer handbag (cha-fucking-ching)! Okay now, mommy is sweating like a donkey in the Grand Canyon from all these layers…and she can’t breathe…and the family can’t eat until payday, but mommy looks hella-dope. Plus, I just said hella-dope. Blah. No thank you.
Jeans, just jeans in general. I don’t care if they are bootcut, hi-rise, lo-rise, wide leg, or the dreaded skinny jean, I hate ’em. Ugh…of course I wear them sometimes, because everyone has to wear them once in a while, but I hate em. I even hate my favorite pair. It seems they fit differently from one wear to the next; sometimes too tight, sometimes too loose, and sometimes not at all. I’m either pulling them up or lunging and doing crazy yoga poses around my house to get them to feel even somewhat comfortable. It’s not my fault that my jeans have a mind of their own. They are assholes and they can ruin my whole day. Why did women ever burn their bras? If we all wanted to liberate ourselves, we’d ban together and burn our jeans. In fact, I may just do it. Who’s with me?!?!
Thong underwear. Hell no. Really or Not? I get that we don’t want panty lines, but I don’t want that thing up my ass all night either. It’s so unsexy to me. I never did understand what’s so special about a thong. Sisco got it all wrong with that “Thong Song” of his. When I saw that video all I could think of was smelly laundry. Yuck. Guys are so weird. Every time my husband asks me to buy a thong, I ask him what size he wears. I’d like to see him wear one all night long and not dig in his ass. The ones that husband has bought me, I have never worn, so my kids just use them for Angry Bird launchers. We sure are a thrifty bunch.
So, that’s where I stand. I love watching those hungry tramps showing it all off, but when it comes to putting it on…it’s a whole other story. It just doesn’t work for me.
Fear not ladies. I have found a solution. There are two pieces that I have discovered make a perfect combination. Plus, there is a wide variety of colors and patterns in which to choose from, thus making this fashion choice both cute and comfy. Here it is, (drumroll please…) leggings and comfy-ass hooded sweatshirts! Works for me. I bought several pair of leggings the other day from the $5 clearance rack at Target and I have found that I can pair them with an endless amount of hoodies. My wardrobe is both complete and fashionable…well, as fashionable as I care to be. Best of all, my kids still get to eat. Its a win-win! I will add this teeny tiny note of caution: When pairing sweatshirts with leggings, make sure you add some bulky boots to even things out and don’t…I repeat don’t use extremely baggy sweatshirts, or you could end up looking like Gru from Despicable Me. Trust me, I’ve done it.
Thanks for reading my fashion article. I hope this helps you with staying on trend. Hey, what can I say, just because we are moms doesn’t mean we don’t care about fashion, right? It’s just that we care a little more about keeping our kids alive and keeping ourselves sane until bedtime. Besides, sometimes we don’t even have time to get dressed, which is why you should always be comfortable enough to sleep in whatever you are wearing.
Want to share this? Go right ahead…share it on Facebook and like my Facebook page for some daily chuckles. Thank you kindly!
~Crazy Mama Kris