1. Eating Better. Duh? This one is always the first to go for me. The minute I start thinking about what foods I should not eat, they are all I think about. Every year I make this resolution and then I immediately eat donuts. No excuses, I’m weak. I like crap-food. It’s that simple.
2. Waking up earlier. It’s an amazing feeling to get up and actually eat breakfast and shower alone, so that I can possibly make myself not look like a broad from the 1800’s who had no electricity. Once my kids are up I often don’t get a shower and if I do its wet hair and then I wear a sour face all day. So making a resolution was a kick ass idea until the alarm went off at 6:00 and I slapped that bitch like it was a drunken whore to shut it up. Then I went right back to sleep…for a few minutes, until the baby cried. It sounded good in the planning stages.
3. Dressing like a girl. Instead of Spiderman t-shirts and sweats, I decided this year that I was going to start putting actual clothes on. I was going to look like a woman in 2014. That went to hell on January 1st, when it was cleaning day and I decided that the clothes I slept in didn’t have snot or puke on them and they would work just fine. After realizing I really don’t have anywhere to go anytime soon, I said fuck it. In my next life I’ll be a fashionista, but in this one I’m gonna be comfortable.
4. Doing more humping. The daily grind interferes with the bump and grind and the humping has gone out the window. I had sworn that this year I was going to be an extreme delight in the sack. I was vowing to spice up relations on my memory foam mattress, which hasn’t recently made any memories. Things were ’bout to get hot. Well yeah, that’s not happening. A minion of mine has an extreme fear of monsters and it matters not what I do, he’s not going to stay in that bed of his. Even if he falls asleep and husband and I try…it will barely penetrate before we hear panicky footsteps hauling ass down the hallway and he’ll leap 6 feet across the room and land right in between us. Someone could get hurt. Seriously damaged, right in the wiener. Screw it.
5. Quit being a bitch. I had promised myself that come January 1st, I was going to quit being a pissed-off-cold-hearted-psycho-icy-rigid-nasty-beastly-glass-eating-bitch. Back in 2013, husband could be like, “Honey, would you-” and I’d be like, “QUIT LOOKING AT ME! WHY DO YOU ASK ME SO MANY QUESTIONS? WHAT IN THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM? YOU RUDE QUESTION ASKING SONOFABIOTCH!” So, in 2014, this was going to change. I was going to be a nice, sweet, and gentle lamb of a lady. But now…he keeps trying to communicate with me. Dammittohell, what am I? A goddam spirit and he’s a paramormal investigator? Why doesn’t he just get out his recording devices and capture this demonic entity on film?!?! He could submit it to cable channels! So, back to being a bitch. It was a nice thought.
Looking back at the last few days, I see that my resolutions may not have been a success, but I still have goals that I hope to achieve, like being a ventriloquist, training for the Chicago marathon, and getting my Ph.D. You know, things that aren’t that hard. If you keep the bar low, you won’t disappoint yourself. I hope you are following through on your resolutions, whatever they may be. Stick to it. You can do it. I want to hear about it when you do, so I can feel even worse about myself.
Good Luck! ~Kristen
If you like this list and want to share it, do it. Especially if not being selfish is one of your resolutions, sharing this would take care of that for ya. See…your succeeding already! 😉