Douche Alert: Husband Do’s and Don’ts

Hey guys, I’m trying to help you out. Don’t be a douche…

DON’T: Check out other women in front of your wife. Keep your eyes on your own freaking paper.

DO: Make your wife feel like she is the only woman in the room that you would ever be attracted to. All the other women may as well have big hairy testicles growing out of their chins for all you care…even that hot blonde in the corner who keeps bending at the waist.



DON’T: Bitch about being tired. Seriously, if you haven’t been pregnant or up all night feeding a baby, then you don’t know jack SHIT about what tired feels like.

DO: Let your wife sleep in once in a while. Get up with the kids (without it being Mother’s Day) and treat her to a little extra sleep. She’ll most likely return the favor after the kids go to bed…on your ding dong.

DON’T: Ask your wife to work out or to lose weight. I love how the guys who do this are usually the ones who could stand to lose a few pounds themselves. If you are a guy who does this or has ever done this, go get a small hammer or a mallet and whack yourself in the nuts as hard as you can. You deserve it.

DO: Find your lady’s most beloved body part(s) and make a huge frigging deal about it. Tell her what you LOVE about her. If its her jugs, fine. If its her eyes, tell her. Make a list. Write it down. Ladies need to know the good stuff.

DON’T: Be one of those guys who’s afraid to show your feelings. You don’t have to be a hard-ass all the time. Macho isn’t cool. It just makes you look like a pricky tool with no soul.

DO: Help your wife with laundry, chores, etc…it will ease her stress. And as a bonus, it will teach your son to be a good husband someday, and it will teach your daughter that women were not simply created to take care of men.

 DON’T: Expect your lady to always be there. If you don’t treat her good, there is someone out there who will, and much to your dismay it will probably be someone really hot with lots of money and a great big…dog that guards his mansion.

DO: Date your wife. Surprise her. Let her dress up and take her out; just the two of you. Hint: Go somewhere that doesn’t take coupons and that has a wine list.

DON’T: Make her feel guilty. Don’t ask her how long her trip to Target is going to take. Don’t ask her if it’s a #1 or a #2 when she excuses herself to go to the bathroom, because God forbid you have to be alone with the kids for more than ten minutes. Don’t be that a-hole.

DO: Give the girl a break. If you see that she’s stressed, pour her a glass of wine, or hand her the keys and tell her to go take a break and walk around a store. (Not in that order…no drinking and driving)

 DON’T: Talk about intimate details of your sex life with your buddies. It’s okay to joke around with your pals in a vague way, but intimacy is intimate and you shouldn’t spill intimate details about your intimately intimate moments with someone you’re not intimate with. Get it? Good.

DO: Talk about your wife to your friends like she is the most respected and important person in your life, because that’s what she is! Get it now? Good. Glad we’re clear.

DON’T: Call her a mean name. Like ever. If you call her a bitch, be prepared for her to act like one. And…be prepared for her mother to come after you with a frying pan…to your face.

DO: Have a pet name. It doesn’t have to be cheesy, like NibbleCake, or BabyBuns. But a term of endearment never hurt anyone. Something like Goddess, Master, or Queen of the Everything will do just fine.

DON’T: Try to look better than your wife. You should NOT take longer to get ready than she does. This is not acceptable, unless you wear make-up and in that instance I would say that’s none of my damn business.

DO: Always keep up your personal hygiene. Make sure you smell good. Brush your teeth before you kiss her, never go without deodorant, and dab a little something on your neck. She’ll wanna wrap her arms around you and sniff you…

Just as long as you’re not acting like a douche! Good Luck out there guys. You got this.

Check out my books The Unbalancing Act  and The Vada Diaries if you love fiction and laughing…at the same time.

5 thoughts on “Douche Alert: Husband Do’s and Don’ts

  1. yoi are the most sexist woman ever online you literrally only look at things from your own point of view your marriage would have been better if you would have tried looking at other vuews stop being a douche bag


    • You probably shouldn’t read my blog sir. You should also get spell check. This blog was a joke, it’s called sarcasm. My marriage is great. Thanks for your concern, now please find a life…many blessings and I pray for you to find a sense of humor and a relationship that fills your heart with love and happiness so that you can stop trolling people on the internet. Maybe a hobby like tennis or fly fishing could keep you busy sweetheart. Hugs!


    • I hope you’re out on a hot date tonight sweets! You need love in your life you precious flower. Darn. I bet it’s a lot of choosing you have to do. The ladies are probably all over your confidence!! Good for you angel! Shh…shh…don’t speak…you are the man bro. You shouldn’t have to do a thing. I don’t want to ever falsely portray myself as sexist, so please just let me stroke your ego and then I’ll vomit.


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