Mommy Broke the Law

I ripped through the paper wrapper like a mad dog and jammed the straw into the plastic lid. Slurp…perfection. I had felt the start of a caffeine headache coming on and that Diet Coke was just what the doctor ordered. My three little wee ones (let’s call them Numbers 1, 2 , and 3 in birth order, not favoritism I swear) were all happily strapped in behind me in my Town and Country sipping their morning beverages. All was well. We were headed back home.

Blue and red lights began blinking in my rear view mirror. Oh motherfucker I thought. Is he pulling me over? Why yes he is. I found a patch of gravel by the lake off to the right and pulled my vehicle safely to the side.

flickr.com

flickr.com

“What’s happening Mommy?” asked Number 2.

“Oh honey, it’s okay, I think I was speeding,” I replied.

1 and 2 looked behind us and see the policeman sitting in his car.

“Oh no!” cried Number 2, “Are you going to go to jail?”

“Just drive off! Go Mom…Go!” yelled Number 1.

“Boys, it’s fine,” I said calmly. “I’m not going to jail. I was probably going a bit too fast.”

I looked and in the side view mirror and saw a stout little man from the city police department. He was slightly waddling and fidgeting with his waistband. How cliché. I put on my sweetest grin.

“Ma’am, I got you at 42 at the top of the hill and by the bottom you were up to 47. The speed limit here is 35.”

“Oh darn it,” I said sincerely. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t even realize it. That hill is tricky,” I chuckled merrily.

“Okay, I’m gonna need your license and insurance.”

I pulled out my insurance slip that had been stained with some sort of cola or coffee-like substance. He reached out his sausage link fingers and snatched them up, walking back to his car. He hadn’t been exactly “friendly” however I was sure he would come back, tell me to slow down a bit and to have a great day. A simple warning was all.

“I swear you are going to jail!” said Number 1.

“What’s going to happen to us? He is so mean!” yelled Number 2.

Number 3 (who is just a little squirt) was blissfully unaware. He sat and looked around with a binky in his mouth. I turned around and faced the kids.

“You see boys, I was speeding, Mommy broke the law. The police officer has every right to pull me over because this is what happens when grown-ups break the law. He is just doing his job. He has to remind people to slow down. I will have to make sure I watch my speed from now on. This is all my fault.”

I was still smiling all while teaching the kids a very important lesson. Talk about keeping my cool. Besides, I knew the boy in blue would come back and pat my windshield, like a soft pat to the ass and tell me to scoot on down the road. A friendly vocal reminder is all that was going to happen. I watched my side mirror and saw him toddle himself out of the car. He came back up to my window and handed me a slip along with my license and insurance crap.

“You can pay the fine by mail or show up to court, either way I’m going to need you to slow down. Do you have any questions?”

(In my head) Uhh…yeah…what the fuck is wrong with you, you sad little fuck from hell? You donkey dick eating fungus that has nothing better to do with their time then pull over sweet little moms going down hills. You lazy cheating shithead!! It was a hill! I bet your wife hates sleeping with you! In fact…I bet she sleeps hanging off the bed with her legs crossed! I bet you have saggy balls. That’s probably why you waddle asshole! It’s because your balls get stuck in your crack when you sit in that stupid car. I’d like to wear a rubber glove and pull those droopy danglers out and stick them in your mouth so you’d shut the hell up you little troll.

“Umm, no questions officer. Thank you,” I said and rolled up the window. I looked at the ticket. That fucker!

fine

“What’s that Mom?” asked Number 1.

“That’s a ticket that stupid jerk gave me,” I said.

“I thought he was just doing his job. I thought you broke the law,” said Number 2.

“Well he didn’t have to give me a ticket. He could have just giving me a warning. Seriously, that guy was a giant butthead,” I said. I realized that my face was scrunched into a ball and I was speeding off in a fury. Oh crap. I was speeding again. I looked in the distance and saw the red and blue lights flashing. Oh give me break you dick! As I slowed my speed, I realized it was some other poor asshole he was already pulling over. What an effing turd. Phew…at least it wasn’t me this time.

“Yeah, that guy was a total bad word face!” said Number 1.

“Yeah, I’m going to speed when I grow up!” yelled Number 2.

Well, that whole teaching-moment went to hell. But I will say that I learned two things that day. One is that my kids listen to me, way more than I think they do. They pick up on every emotion, every bit of body language, and every fit I throw. The second thing is that cops that sit at the bottom of hills are just hateful little creatures, because the only person I know who doesn’t accelerate on an effing hill is someone who is going UP the fucking thing.

 The End

By the way, even though this is a true story. I like cops, I really do. Just not that particular one. So don’t get mad. The rest of you are cool as shit  🙂

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5 Half-Ass Recipes That Your Family Will Love!

People love great recipes! I’m not one of them. Okay, that’s not entirely true. I love eating things that are made from great recipes, however, when it comes to food, I’m more of a consumer rather than a supplier (minus when I was breastfeeding). I have gone out on a limb here to try something new, a blog post about FOOD! So, for all the half-ass cookers, or moms who just fall short of the culinary badge of excellence, (I think I made that up) but anyways, here are some recipes that even the suckiest of us can manage. Let’s do this!

 THE HAMDOGGER

hamdogger

 

This can be made when you have hotdogs, but only have hamburger buns. Its pretty effing good if I do say so myself. Directions: put the wiener (haha! I said wiener) between the burger buns (haha! I said buns) and add mustard and ketchup. Masterpiece.

 

THE DIPSHIT

dip

Do your kids need more calcium? Not sure how to get that extra dose? Let them dip shit in yogurt.  If you’re of the health-conscious variety, this could be done with an apple. But I’m out of apples at the moment. That’s why this is perfect. Just find whatever shit you got laying around, and you have yourself a dipshit. Brilliant.

 

THE PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY CLUB

club

Tired of that same old PB&J? It gets boring doesn’t it? And you’re still hungry once its over, aren’t ya? Never fear! Here’s a new spin on an old favorite! Directions: Make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich as per usual, but wait! You’re not done. Spread some peanut butter and jelly on top of that SOB, throw on another piece of bread, and you’ve just made a triple-decker sandwich. Cut it in to fourths for the sake of being fancy, call it a club and enjoy!

 

THE WAGNEG (WE AIN’T GOT NO EFFING GROCERIES)

pizza

We’ve all been there. It’s been over a week since you’ve been to the store and the pickings are downright slim. The thought of going to the store with hungry kids sounds as delightful as getting a rectal exam by a smokin hot doctor with a mouth-watering accent. Hell no. I gotcha covered. Directions: Call your favorite pizza place, order, enjoy!

 

WRAPPED CRAP VARIETY PLATTER

wrapcrap

This is one of my specialties. This is not only simple, but you literally can throw this together and then throw it all away. You basically take everything you can find in your fridge and pantry that has a wrapper and throw it on a paper plate. You’ll be surprised at what a well-balanced situation you can come up with. Eff the stove. Eff the dishes. Your kids will be happy and so will you.

You don’t have to be one of the Pinterest Pot Roast Pinners to serve your family great food. Remember, those ladies may rock it out in the kitchen, but they will be also be busy scrubbing dishes all night, while you have already moved on to your after-dinner cocktail! So cheers to you and your time management! You are still a Supermom!

Click a share button down below if you like this and thank you SO very much! 🙂

And check out my both of my books on Amazon!

The Unbalancing Act (crazy humorous fiction unlike anything you’ve ever read before)

The Vada Diaries (Short Stories, about that crazy mother from The Unbalancing Act)

Fun During The Great Depression; Images That Would Have Made Them Smile!

I’ve blogged about what what it would be like If Our Great-Grandmothers Would’ve Had Facebook and Twitter, but what if they would have had images to share? During the Great Depression, they really could have used a little entertainment.

Image

lemon

Image

Image

Image

DEP

wedlock

stocks

  Share with a button below if you like it and don’t forget to check out my books, if you like the blog! (and if you like laughing) I know that’s a lot of if’s, but you can do it. 🙂 Thanks!