Hey lady. What up? Your kids won’t sleep? That sucks. But it won’t stop you, will it? You work all day and party all night. This my friend, is because you…yes YOU…are an effing ROCK STAR!
You are serving up drinks all night (water at 1 a.m.), making booty calls (bathroom visits) and flashing your breastesses (nursing) all over the place. You are the badass that makes it rain with kisses and love and shit up in here, and let’s not forget how you’ve been known to drop a few beats. Your version of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star is the stuff legends are made of. Especially how you put that bravado on the end, I mean please.
But that’s how you roll. You TCOB. Shit, you haven’t slept in months, maybe years, but that doesn’t stop you. You lay still as stiff as a board on that neglected bed with one ear open until you hear the wail on the monitor and you are up, up, on your feet for the third time in four hours. Go on with your bad self. Get that baby back to sleep so that you can get up again when the other kid needs you. You know damn good and well that you’re tired but you’re also a boss, applesauce. You know that dozing off is like breaking the seal and it’s best to just throw your hands up in the air and wave ‘em like you just don’t care. Sleep is for the weak and you…YOU. ARE. A. BEAST.
In the morning you look good enough already, so you don’t need a shower. Besides, being the VIP that you are, you have places to go and people to see. The other moms are counting on you to bring Goldfish to playgroup cuz you know how your posse gets the munchies, right? Look at you. Effing rockstar. You also have errands to run, and by errands, I mean who the hell else could get through the grocery store with a headbangin mosh pit like yours? Your kids want to party too. They want fruit snacks? Hook it up. They want Sun Chips? You got a coupon for that, so Hook. That. Shit. Up! Yeah, you take care of your entourage. You got their backs. You even have wet wipes in case someone gets too turnt. (I’m not exactly sure what that means)
The most amazing thing of all, is that you can put groceries away, make it to whatever practices or activities your kids have (fashionably late of course), have a kick-ass Lego party and get dinner on the table with NO sleep. What’s up now?! I said what’s up now?! That’s what I thought. Hells yeah. Once you clean that shit up, give baths and put the kids to bed, you’re so tired that you can’t see straight and feel like you’ve chugged a RedBull laced with Roofies. That my friend, is called adrenaline. That’s what’s running through your veins. That’s your fuel and that’s what’s gonna get you through another night of partying. So raise your glasses.
To all the mommies in the house come on, let me hear ya say, “Aww yeah”
To all the daddies in the house come on, let me hear ya say, “My Wife Rocks”
……What? Where’s Daddy? Wait, he’s sleeping? Oh. Okay. That figures. Wake his ass up! Invite him to the party. The more the merrier. No I’m serious. It’s HIS effing turn. Get him up and you just lay down and get some sleep. I know. I know. But seriously girl, you gotta get some rest. I said, go to sleep. Shit. Quit arguing and go the hell to sleep. Give baby daddy the monitor and shut your eyes. I’m not messing around. You’ve been doing too much partying. Now Goodnight! I said Good NIGHT!
Rockstar primadonna mamas…think they know everything….
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The Vada Diaries (Short Stories and Confessions of a Crazy Mother) is FREE Aug12th-15th on Amazon Kindle! Click here on this big giant book, because I can’t figure out how to make it smaller. Oh my that’s big!