Some of the Most Effed Up Things I’ve Done Since Becoming a Mother

  1. I once took my son to the doctor because when he woke up his face was purple. It turned out to be dye from his blue pillow case.
  2. I drove around the church preschool on my kid’s first day for two hours like a lunatic and I saw nothing except a brick building. I am lucky they didn’t call the cops.
  3. Waking up violently puking with a stomach bug, I was hanging over the toilet when mid-vomit…a wiener showed up next to me and peed in the same toilet I was currently hurling in. This was also the moment I realized I will NEVER have a moment of my own.
  4. I forced a friend to dress up like a stormtrooper with me and made my husband dress up like Darth Vader to put on a master Jedi Training Class for my son’s 5th birthday party. I was the first pregnant stormtrooper in history.
  5. The day I found out I was pregnant with my first child, I called in sick to work because I was too excited to do anything but look online at baby things.
  6. At 40 weeks pregnant with my first, I would jump off the bottom stairs repeatedly and walked around doing squats, hoping to start labor, only to have a c-section.
  7. After sending my son to bed for the night because he was being so NAUGHTY, I felt really guilty. So once he fell asleep, I climbed in bed with him and held his hand while he slept…all night.
  8. I once had all three kids in their own beds and my husband was out of town and I was too scared to step on the creak in the floor by the stairs and wake them up, so I hit the deck and slept on the floor in the hallway in all my clothes, contacts, with no pillow or blanket. Needed to make a chiropractor appt. the next day.
  9. Once when I was pregnant I dreamed my baby was so big that I would have to deliver on an airport runway. I then gave birth to two killer whales and a dolphin. I actually woke up in a panic trying to figure out how to get them into salt water. Wtf?
  10. After a night of NO sleep (since I have children who are nocturnal), I once got in the shower with my pajamas on. No joke.
  11. I realized one day that it was 4 o’clock in the afternoon and I had not yet taken a piss or eaten anything the entire day. (This still happens but usually not 4 o’clock)
  12. When I was nursing one of my babies, my tatas were completely out of milk and he was still hungry. Desperate to feed him I smacked my own boobs and called them worthless whores. I am NOT kidding. That’s pretty effed up.

Can’t believe I am admitting some of these, but what the hell. Maybe it will make you feel normal! And shit, I don’t ever claim to be normal 🙂

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