I know right? Could you imagine? I thank the Lord everyday for these little people who are determined to make me add Abilify to increase the effectiveness of my already-crazy-meds. However, do you sometimes think, what the hell would I be doing with my life if I never had kids? And sure, you can still do lots of awesome things even once you have the little critters, but this is hypothetical, so here are some theories of who I could have been:
A Las Vegas street performer, probably in a dirty Elmo costume.
A person who dies from walking tight ropes over terribly dangerous places without safety nets while blindfolded.
A fucking mime. I love silence.
The most horrible flight attendant in the world because Valium messes with me at high altitudes and I have the mindset that if people want something, they should get off their asses and get it themselves.
Ooh! I would love to be the host of “What Would You Do?” Move over John Quinones!
An American Idol hopeful that would be shown in the clips getting cut by the judges and then crying and begging them to let me try one more song.
A raging alcoholic.
In prison for stalking John Stamos.
A hippie with dreadlocks and barefeet who lives off the land and makes dandelion headbands (this is mostly because I hate shaving and mowing the lawn).
A zookeeper. I’m really good at cleaning up shit, and by shit I mean…shit.
A short person store fashion designer. Ain’t nobody wanna waste more money on alterations.
A paranormal investigator, because I ain’t afraid of no ghost. (That’s not true. I am afraid)
The most glorious grocery sacker in the land. I would carefully coordinate your purchases making it easy and effective to unload your goodies because it is important to me. Truly important to me.
A protester. I have no idea what I would protest, but they are all so passionate and I’m sure if I had more free time I would be passionate about something. Maybe I’d hold signs in front of coffee shops that say, QUIT PUMPKIN SPICING ALL OUR SHIT!
A pot head.
A hoarder who hoards nothing but foam cups from Sonic. (This one may already be in the works)
A winner at Wheel of Fortune, because I suck at life, but if I had time I would try everyday to get on that show because its the ONLY thing I’m REALLY good at (besides air hockey).
The star of a tampon commercial.
Someone who participates in all of the clinical research trials in order to help research while at the same time being handsomely compensated for time and travel.
A member of a sensational travelling barbershop quartet.
The person who dresses up like the Statue of Liberty and dances in front of the tax service place. They are such fun individuals. I almost can’t think of a job more fun than that. Just delightful.
A body double for Danny Devito in Hollywood.
The list could just go on and on. Oh the things I would have time for! But really, this morning when my two year-old held my face in his hands and said, “you precious girl, you are my best friend” it made me really grateful that I had those little suckers. They are sure hard, but I wouldn’t trade this for any other life. Sorry Danny Devito…you are just going to have to find someone else.
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