Mysteries of Motherhood

The case of the missing socks. You just bought socks. You vowed to keep the matches together. You were going to pair those socks up like you worked for a dating site that results in more marriages than any other dating site. Then it happens…you lay them out fresh from the dryer and there is only one of each pair. What happened to the friggin’ socks? It’s a mystery.

The case of the funky smell. What the hell is it? You can smell it. It’s not you. Is it the kids? You smell them all and they are clear. You sniff around like a hound dog bringing yourself to a new low as you now have your nose to the carpet. Although you may encounter other scents along the way, the original smell never has a source. Was it a ghost with gas? It’s a mystery.

The case of the lost keys. You had them. You know you just freaking had them. You are on your way out the door, your hands are full, and you now have no transportation. The number on the stress scale is at a ten, you have just spent an hour trying to get everyone ready to load into the car for your scheduled outing and now your fists and butt cheeks are clenched because you simply cannot leave. Breaking a window sounds good, but it’s still not going to locate your keys. Mystery.

The case of the “where did you hear that?” Your child, your sweet darling child has just said something that leaves your jaw hitting the floor. A swear word, a remark about a body part. We all know kids say crazy things, but where in the bloody fucking hell would they have heard a bad word like that? Another damned mystery.

The case of the almost three year-old. That darling little lamb chop of yours. Your sweet toddler that has cuddled and kissed you every morning since you can remember suddenly transforms into a soul-sucking venomous beast. “I love you,” you say. “Shush your mouth,” they respond with a throat punch. What????? “Oh come on,” you say. “Let’s go read a book sweetie.” Almost three year-old then grabs the book from your hands, throws it against the wall and tells you to go fuck yourself. Okay, maybe not the last part, but basically that’s what they are communicating to you. OMG where did your sweet baby go? It’s another painful and grueling mystery.

There are many more mysteries that need to be solved. However, due to the time-consuming conundrum of the last one, I’ll have to keep this post short. Plus, there’s somewhere we have to be, so I have to go find my keys and find some clean socks for the minion, because something smells funky and so I’m just going to change his whole outfit just to be on the safe side. Oh shit, he just said dammit! Where did that come from? Hopefully I’ll figure this out soon! Gotta run!

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One thought on “Mysteries of Motherhood

  1. I feel you on the sock thing… my daughter, age 13, has to wear white socks with her school uniform. We are currently undertaking the Sock Project in her room, because I know there have to be more socks in there somewhere!

    Liked by 1 person

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