My “Go EFF Yourself” List

There are so many things to love about life; the joys of motherhood, snuggling with the little ones, a great song, a great book, Netflix, and wine…but there are also a few things that I’m kind of pissed about. So here is my Go EFF Yourself List. Oh and husband, if you are reading this, don’t worry. You aren’t on it…yet.

Hey laundry:

Go fuck yourself. I’m sick of looking at you. You are always there, just lying around waiting to be washed, dried, folded and put away. You are not fun for me at all. I’ve tried to ignore you, but when I do that, you only get worse! On top of that, you keep showing up all around the house in every corner; a sock here, a t-shirt there. I hate you.

Hey periods:

Screw you. You are a vicious cycle. Literally. The monthly invasion of hormones, bloating, fatigue, headaches, cramps, and mood swings is getting quite old. I don’t need anymore bad moods around here, I’m quite bitchy enough without you. Move it or lose it sister.

Hey nasty and cloudy weather:

Take a hike. When the sunny and beautiful days come to kick your ass out of here, all while delightfully filling my family’s brains with a heaping helping of Vitamin D, I’m going to sit back with a smirk and say…Bye Felicia!

Hey judgy people:

Suck a fatty. The ones who make sly remarks like, “that doesn’t happen in my house.” or those judgers who hide in the shadows and throw out ‘holier than thou’ opinions like they are SO much better than the rest of us. Listen, I’m not perfect and neither are you. And hey, judger…you have a booger in your nose. See…I told you, you aren’t perfect.

Hey bills:

Yeah, I’m talking to you electric, gas, mortgage, cell phone, credit card, and student loans…what’s your freaking problem? You just keep showing up every single month like a bunch of relentless stalkers. Don’t make me have to consolidate your asses into one low monthly payment. ‘Cause I’ll do it, don’t test me.

Hey calories:

After I take the last bite of this burrito, you are gonna take a long walk (down my colon) and I don’t want to see you back anytime soon, (well it’s a burrito, so that may be impossible) but you get the point. I may make some exceptions with some of you calories…like the ones found in wine and chocolate, and so on and so forth. But for the most part, walk away calories. That’s right…keep walking.

Hey Kanye:

Just…well…read what kind of list this is.

Hey alarm clock:

Shut your big fat mouth. I heard you the first seven times before I hit snooze and if you continue to harass me with these horrible sounds, I will personally take you out to the driveway and set you behind the tire of my minivan and I will reverse it over you with a smile on my face and a song in my heart. Not only will I get to crush you, but I will be so happy about destroying you, that I’ll be bright-eyed bushy tailed. Two birds, one stone…not kidding.

Hey “Quick and Easy” Recipes:

Eat me. I follow your instructions. I do all the things I’m supposed to do…and you NEVER turn out right. Most importantly, no one in my family eats you. You have wasted my time, money, and effort. You are a homewrecking, misleading, liar and I’m done with you. You have been replaced, by PB&J. Get the hell out of my sight.

Hey jeans:

Beat it. You are expensive, uncomfortable, and unfortunately (sometimes) necessary. I love my yoga pants, but can’t wear them ALL of the time. So jeans…why no give? Why no stretchiness? Why you gotta be such an asshole? Why is there always that ONE pair of jeans that I feel like I have to fit into? I’m so sick and tired of squatting and crawling to loosen you up. Get back in with the rest of the laundry and go fuck yourself.

Well that’s my current “Go F Yourself List.”

It feels freeing to get this off my chest! Now, I can focus more on the things that I love…like my wonderful family, my amazing friends, my poorly behaved dogs, and of course…wine and Netflix.

Share if you like. I like if you share. It’s a win-win. 🙂

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