Take My Toddler To the Store? I’d Rather….

I don’t think I can be the only one who loathes grocery shopping with my toddler. Regardless of the advice, that we should take them and the fact that many times we have to take them, it doesn’t change the fact that it can be a dreadful experience. Now now…I know there are some people who have little shopping cart angels that sit perfectly and don’t make a peep and that’s great. I’m not being a smart-ass either. I’m very happy for those who love it. But I’m going to be honest. I hate it. So, I made a list of things I would actually rather do than take my beloved toddler to the grocery store:

  1. French kiss Mike Tyson
  2. Squat down behind a horse and wait for it to kick me in the face
  3. Get a sledge hammer and shatter both my knee caps
  4. Strip naked and run head first into a rose bush
  5. Eat a dead possum with a spoon
  6. Do a hard 48 hours in San Quentin
  7. Place my hand in a blender and turn it on “frappe”
  8. Get a “butterfly kiss” from someone with a nasty case of pink eye
  9. Run the Chicago Marathon backwards
  10. Sit all the way down with both buttcheeks to pee (no hovering) and with no protective paper…on a port-a-potty in the summer heat at a carnival…while eating cotton candy
  11. Take a huge gulp of the dirty water from my carpet cleaner
  12. Snuggle lovingly with a porcupine
  13. Go through airport security with a migraine and a bottle of liquid over 3.4 oz.
  14. Cut carbs
  15. Find out that Charles Manson is actually my biological father and he wants to establish a relationship
  16. Get a colonoscopy
  17. Try and survive “the fireswamp” from the movie, The Princess Bride
  18. Talk about politics with someone who actually likes to talk about politics
  19. Get a Brazilian wax
  20. Lick the finger holes in one of the balls at the local bowling alley
  21. Reverse Cowgirl…while sober…with the lights on
  22. Dehydrate myself to the point of medical intervention and then have the nurses repeatedly “try for a vein”
  23. Put leeches on my nipples and let ’em chill for about an hour
  24. Place my pinky finger in the crack of the door and let someone slam that shit, HARD
  25. Get a pap smear in front of a group of eager-to-learn medical students
  26. Go on a paranormal investigation overnight, without a flashlight, and all by myself
  27. Play the effing Thomas the Train song on repeat during a 4-hour road trip
  28. Pour lemon juice and salt in both of my eyes
  29. Paint my toenails a pretty pink and then put cotton balls on top and let them dry that way
  30. Place my lips gently around a wasp’s nest and blow
  31. Only have one glass of wine
  32. Volunteer as tribute in The Hunger Games

Well, there’s my list. It doesn’t change the fact that I’m currently out of milk and bread, and even toilet paper which is just a must-have. So, if you’re like me and must face the grocery store with toddler in tow…good luck my friends. May the odds be ever in your favor…

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One thought on “Take My Toddler To the Store? I’d Rather….

  1. I am pretty sure those perfect trolley angels are an Urban Legend. They are always the children of a friend of a friend’s cousin or something 🙂
    OMG Laughing so hard at this!!! No. 8 LOL! No. 13… pretty sure someone is going to die and I am pretty sure it will be the person asking you to do a bomb check.
    No. 20… I might be sick.
    No. 30… better to blow than suck in this case I believe hahahaha


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