Warning: Are Pool Days Right For You?

Summer break is upon us. Pool days can create wonderful memories that will last a lifetime. Although this is often viewed as an overall pleasurable experience, the beginning of swimming pool season may cause some people to experience the following side-effects: mild panic attacks, anxiety, excitement, fear, sweating, abdominal pain, nail-biting, stomach sucking-in, and emergency sets of sit-ups and/or squats. Having children to take with you to the pool increases these risks. If you do select to go to the pool on any given day, it is because you and your family have decided that the benefits of going to the pool outweigh these risks. Here is some additional information to keep in mind when deciding if pool days are right for you:

  1. Shaving. The armpits, legs, and bikini area will need to be shaved. It’s pretty much a guarantee that you WILL experience razor burn directly surrounding the entire V-shaped area of the crotch. Redness and a fuckity little rash will appear and could cause embarrassment, leg crossing, non-movement, itching, and reluctancy to take off one’s cover-up. Be sure to use caution while using your razor, for nicking the skin in this delicate area is likely to cause bleeding that remains unnoticeable until you arrive at the pool. This could unfortunately draw more attention to your nether region that already looks like it’s been stung by bees and worked over with sand paper.
  2. Bloating. It is highly likely that when putting on a swimsuit, you will experience immediate stomach bloating. No one knows why this occurs, but you will swear that your stomach wasn’t that full ten minutes prior. Possible explanations are gas, the need to pass a motion, or excess water weight. If one and two don’t work, go with the water weight excuse.
  3. Over-packing. You may end up looking like a bell hop, as you will be carrying quite a bit of luggage. Toys, towels, drinks, sunscreen, snacks, and other miscellaneous items that you just “must have” will likely take up several totes and it’s probable that you’ll drop several things on your way into the pool area. A wagon and/or child helpers are recommended.
  4. Muscle tension. Flexing, arching, and breath-holding are common when baring it all in a bathing suit. Having children increases these risks as you will also be in high-alert mode. Your eyes will likely dart this way and that and it is not uncommon to feel your blood pressure rise at this time. This is because the mother in you is ready to dive in after your children at any given moment, whether they are good swimmers or not. Remember to take deep breaths and relax your shoulders to avoid muscle pain.
  5. Frustration. One can only hear the words, “Marco,” and “Polo” so many times before one wants to shove the polo up Marco’s ass-o. After roughly 15 torturous minutes of the children playing this game at an ear drum piercing volume, it is highly recommended that you call the youngsters out for a snack. This will shut them up and give your ears some well-deserved peace.
  6. Awkwardness. You may find yourself easing your body (starting with only your feet) slowly into the water to join your child. Another pool-goer may also be there with his/her child. You’ll exchange pleasantries and ask how old each other’s children are. Then you will realize that there is nothing else to talk about. It is at this time you will also wonder if this person notices your razor burn.

The swimming pool isn’t for everyone. Dickheads, chair hogs (who take up three chairs with their belongings and don’t even use the actual chairs), and those who pee in the pool are urged not to swim. Do not make multiple pool plans or purchase a pool pass until you know how a swimming day will affect you. Quit swimming and exit immediately if you hit a warm spot in an otherwise cold-water pool. This could be a sign of another swimmer’s urination. Apply sunscreen frequently. Be careful not to apply sunscreen to the palm of a young child’s hands as they will immediately rub it right in their eyeball. Use caution when exiting the pool area, as your bottoms will most likely need to be adjusted and pulled from your crack.

The swimming season is supposed to be an enjoyable and fun experience. You may have to test the waters to determine how often pool days are right for you. Don’t forget to hydrate. Be safe. Have fun. And good fucking luck.

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Dear People Who Make Maxi Dresses

Get your shit together. You don’t have much time.

Summer is fast approaching. Many women that I know consider “summer” to be when their kids get out of school on break. Some believe it starts when the weather turns hot. Some of the overachievers even know exactly when the calendar date starts for that shit (I’m not one of them). It’s about time to pull out the sandals, the tank tops, shorts, and the summer dresses. The funnest part, is going and buying a few new pieces to add to our summer collection. I wear the shit out of clothes, but I do enjoy something new. I personally love the maxi dress, and there are a few good reasons why:

  1. I don’t want to shave my legs sometimes and the length of a maxi dress covers any leg hair that may prickly and painful to the touch, or in more severe cases, slightly curling.
  2. After wearing sweats and yoga pants for like…eva…it feels great to throw on a summer maxi and feel it flow. See, “maxi” and “flow” when used together, isn’t always a bad thing.
  3. My legs are as white as printer paper. I mean they haven’t seen the light of day in so long, that if someone saw them bare at this point, they would likely think I had been bitten by a vampire and all the blood supply had been drained from my body.
  4. Versatility! You can dress them up for a night out, or down for a trip to the park with the kids. I consider “dressing it up” to be putting on lipstick, but whatevs.
  5. Safety! An unexpected gust of wind isn’t going to expose your lady-bits to everyone around you, like it does when wearing a short dress. And we all know this happens when our hands are full, so it’s definitely not a sexy Marilyn Monroe moment. We may have grocery sacks, or a baby in our arms and in an effort to combat the wind may be shaking around as if spiders are crawling in our cracks. It ain’t pretty.

But here’s the down-low on some of us who are…well…down low. We can’t fit into those fucking dresses. They drag the ground. I know what you are thinking. Just get them hemmed, right? Umm…no thanks. I’m 5 ft tall and have already had to do that with pants and jeans for many years and it takes time and more importantly, more MONEY to get alterations. It’s not cheap and it’s certainly not fun. Don’t ruin all the perks of the maxi dress, by making us jump through hoops to wear one. I mean shit, look at it this way…we’re fucking trying, okay? We occasionally want to wear something fun. Is that too much to ask?

Don’t hate me yet if you are tall. I have heard a similar complaint from the tall ladies, saying maxi dresses are too short for them. So what…you hate them too? You really are a piece of work, you People Who Make Maxi Dresses. See, we all want to walk into a store and be able to buy a dress off the goddam rack just like the only 25% of the population who are the precisely perfect height to wear them! How hard can this be? First world problems I know. BUT…here’s a solution:

SHORT, REGULAR, AND LONG LENGTHS!!!

All of you, People Who Make Maxi Dresses, will make more money, and we, the talls the smalls and the medium heights, will all be rockin your frocks around town. We’ll look hot and you’ll be richer. So what’s the hold up? I’m telling you right now, there’s a market out there. I’m setting the bait baby and now, all you have to do is reel it in. We come in all different shapes and sizes, and we ALL deserve to feel beautiful and keep our legs as furry as we wish while still feeling comfortable and summery. So go on People Who Make Maxi Dresses, get out your measuring tapes and your sewing machines. But you best get your shit together soon, because like I said…the kids are almost out of school, the weather’s about to turn hot, and somebody somewhere is likely to have a calendar that proves summer is just around the corner. It’s coming, whether you like it or not.

In the mean time…I’ll be waiting and I ain’t getting any taller.

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