Dear People Who Make Maxi Dresses

Get your shit together. You don’t have much time.

Summer is fast approaching. Many women that I know consider “summer” to be when their kids get out of school on break. Some believe it starts when the weather turns hot. Some of the overachievers even know exactly when the calendar date starts for that shit (I’m not one of them). It’s about time to pull out the sandals, the tank tops, shorts, and the summer dresses. The funnest part, is going and buying a few new pieces to add to our summer collection. I wear the shit out of clothes, but I do enjoy something new. I personally love the maxi dress, and there are a few good reasons why:

  1. I don’t want to shave my legs sometimes and the length of a maxi dress covers any leg hair that may prickly and painful to the touch, or in more severe cases, slightly curling.
  2. After wearing sweats and yoga pants for like…eva…it feels great to throw on a summer maxi and feel it flow. See, “maxi” and “flow” when used together, isn’t always a bad thing.
  3. My legs are as white as printer paper. I mean they haven’t seen the light of day in so long, that if someone saw them bare at this point, they would likely think I had been bitten by a vampire and all the blood supply had been drained from my body.
  4. Versatility! You can dress them up for a night out, or down for a trip to the park with the kids. I consider “dressing it up” to be putting on lipstick, but whatevs.
  5. Safety! An unexpected gust of wind isn’t going to expose your lady-bits to everyone around you, like it does when wearing a short dress. And we all know this happens when our hands are full, so it’s definitely not a sexy Marilyn Monroe moment. We may have grocery sacks, or a baby in our arms and in an effort to combat the wind may be shaking around as if spiders are crawling in our cracks. It ain’t pretty.

But here’s the down-low on some of us who are…well…down low. We can’t fit into those fucking dresses. They drag the ground. I know what you are thinking. Just get them hemmed, right? Umm…no thanks. I’m 5 ft tall and have already had to do that with pants and jeans for many years and it takes time and more importantly, more MONEY to get alterations. It’s not cheap and it’s certainly not fun. Don’t ruin all the perks of the maxi dress, by making us jump through hoops to wear one. I mean shit, look at it this way…we’re fucking trying, okay? We occasionally want to wear something fun. Is that too much to ask?

Don’t hate me yet if you are tall. I have heard a similar complaint from the tall ladies, saying maxi dresses are too short for them. So what…you hate them too? You really are a piece of work, you People Who Make Maxi Dresses. See, we all want to walk into a store and be able to buy a dress off the goddam rack just like the only 25% of the population who are the precisely perfect height to wear them! How hard can this be? First world problems I know. BUT…here’s a solution:


All of you, People Who Make Maxi Dresses, will make more money, and we, the talls the smalls and the medium heights, will all be rockin your frocks around town. We’ll look hot and you’ll be richer. So what’s the hold up? I’m telling you right now, there’s a market out there. I’m setting the bait baby and now, all you have to do is reel it in. We come in all different shapes and sizes, and we ALL deserve to feel beautiful and keep our legs as furry as we wish while still feeling comfortable and summery. So go on People Who Make Maxi Dresses, get out your measuring tapes and your sewing machines. But you best get your shit together soon, because like I said…the kids are almost out of school, the weather’s about to turn hot, and somebody somewhere is likely to have a calendar that proves summer is just around the corner. It’s coming, whether you like it or not.

In the mean time…I’ll be waiting and I ain’t getting any taller.

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