Warning: Are Pool Days Right For You?

Summer break is upon us. Pool days can create wonderful memories that will last a lifetime. Although this is often viewed as an overall pleasurable experience, the beginning of swimming pool season may cause some people to experience the following side-effects: mild panic attacks, anxiety, excitement, fear, sweating, abdominal pain, nail-biting, stomach sucking-in, and emergency sets of sit-ups and/or squats. Having children to take with you to the pool increases these risks. If you do select to go to the pool on any given day, it is because you and your family have decided that the benefits of going to the pool outweigh these risks. Here is some additional information to keep in mind when deciding if pool days are right for you:

  1. Shaving. The armpits, legs, and bikini area will need to be shaved. It’s pretty much a guarantee that you WILL experience razor burn directly surrounding the entire V-shaped area of the crotch. Redness and a fuckity little rash will appear and could cause embarrassment, leg crossing, non-movement, itching, and reluctancy to take off one’s cover-up. Be sure to use caution while using your razor, for nicking the skin in this delicate area is likely to cause bleeding that remains unnoticeable until you arrive at the pool. This could unfortunately draw more attention to your nether region that already looks like it’s been stung by bees and worked over with sand paper.
  2. Bloating. It is highly likely that when putting on a swimsuit, you will experience immediate stomach bloating. No one knows why this occurs, but you will swear that your stomach wasn’t that full ten minutes prior. Possible explanations are gas, the need to pass a motion, or excess water weight. If one and two don’t work, go with the water weight excuse.
  3. Over-packing. You may end up looking like a bell hop, as you will be carrying quite a bit of luggage. Toys, towels, drinks, sunscreen, snacks, and other miscellaneous items that you just “must have” will likely take up several totes and it’s probable that you’ll drop several things on your way into the pool area. A wagon and/or child helpers are recommended.
  4. Muscle tension. Flexing, arching, and breath-holding are common when baring it all in a bathing suit. Having children increases these risks as you will also be in high-alert mode. Your eyes will likely dart this way and that and it is not uncommon to feel your blood pressure rise at this time. This is because the mother in you is ready to dive in after your children at any given moment, whether they are good swimmers or not. Remember to take deep breaths and relax your shoulders to avoid muscle pain.
  5. Frustration. One can only hear the words, “Marco,” and “Polo” so many times before one wants to shove the polo up Marco’s ass-o. After roughly 15 torturous minutes of the children playing this game at an ear drum piercing volume, it is highly recommended that you call the youngsters out for a snack. This will shut them up and give your ears some well-deserved peace.
  6. Awkwardness. You may find yourself easing your body (starting with only your feet) slowly into the water to join your child. Another pool-goer may also be there with his/her child. You’ll exchange pleasantries and ask how old each other’s children are. Then you will realize that there is nothing else to talk about. It is at this time you will also wonder if this person notices your razor burn.

The swimming pool isn’t for everyone. Dickheads, chair hogs (who take up three chairs with their belongings and don’t even use the actual chairs), and those who pee in the pool are urged not to swim. Do not make multiple pool plans or purchase a pool pass until you know how a swimming day will affect you. Quit swimming and exit immediately if you hit a warm spot in an otherwise cold-water pool. This could be a sign of another swimmer’s urination. Apply sunscreen frequently. Be careful not to apply sunscreen to the palm of a young child’s hands as they will immediately rub it right in their eyeball. Use caution when exiting the pool area, as your bottoms will most likely need to be adjusted and pulled from your crack.

The swimming season is supposed to be an enjoyable and fun experience. You may have to test the waters to determine how often pool days are right for you. Don’t forget to hydrate. Be safe. Have fun. And good fucking luck.

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