Oh sweetheart, what can I say…? Let me start with a thank you for loving my son. He is just as precious as can be, isn’t he? So many great qualities. I know he’s only three years old now, but I’m pretty sure he’ll be quite the catch by the time you find him. I mean look:
He practices good hygiene:
I mean what’d I tell ya? He’s like magic. You are one lucky lady.
But…and this is just a side note, I am working on a few things to prepare him to be the husband you will need and want him to be.
I mean, he does shit like this:
He can throw fits:
But listen, a lot of guys are like that. So, please…go easy on him.
In the mean time, I’m going to promise to do my best to make sure he learns the important stuff that will someday make him a good husband like:
- Doing laundry
- Saying “I love you” (often)
- Saying “I’m sorry” when he screws up
- Unloading the the dishwasher instead of putting a dirty dish in the stupid freaking sink because he should never be too freaking lazy to unload the freaking dishwasher because it’s not always YOUR freaking job
- Carrying your luggage whenever he can (screw that part of feminism, I like it when my husband helps me with heavy bags, dammit)
- Flushing the toilet and practicing all other necessary bathroom etiquette
- Showing that he cares by acknowledging birthdays, Valentine’s Day, anniversaries, etc…(you’ll thank me for this one)
- Treating all women with respect, because they are all someone’s mother/sister/daughter
- Taking out the trash when it’s full and never leaving it sitting there attracting flies and overflowing for you to have to deal with (if he does this, call me and I’ll rip him a new one)
- Never EVER calling anyone names (except his brothers because ya know, brothers just do that)
- Loving without conditions
- Calling his mother everyday (this is more for me than you honey, sorry I slipped this in here)
- Giving compliments!!!
- Holding hands
- Using a mop and a broom and Hallelujah…a vacuum!
- Making coffee
- Killing bugs, even if they are disgusting little fruit flies or giant yellow-eyed spiders, because someday you may have fruit flies take over your kitchen and you can’t kill all them damn things by yourself. You need plenty of traps and a strategy and you have to work as a team to make sure there are no unnecessary food particles left around the house or those little bastards will never go away (trust me on this). And spiders are just gross, so ya know…
- How to basically not be a douche (this is huge)
So see lovey, I’ll be doing my best over the next many many years to help you out. Thinking about the man he will become is going to be a huge factor in how I raise him. Plus, I’m thinking of you. I’m investing a lot of time in this little dude and I want the best for you both. Besides, we’ll be family some day! I think you and I are going to get along just fine. We already have one thing in common…we love this guy!
So, future daughter-law, I’m NOT perfect as you can see, but I’m doing my best to concentrate on the important things…for him and for you.
Just please remember this when I’m drunk on the floor holding onto his ankle, while violently sobbing during your first dance at your reception and wiping tears on the train of your wedding dress.
(I’m sorry in advance.)
Good luck. You may need it. xoxo!
Your future Mother-In-Law (or whatever you want to call me)