How To Catch Fruit Flies If You Are A Crazy Person

WTF? Do you see this? I have fruit flies in my kitchen! Damn floot fries! I mean fwoot fwies. I mean floot flies!

EFFING FRUIT FLIES!!!

This was me…2 weeks ago. My kitchen was swarming with those little bastards! I’m not a dirty person! How could I possibly have an infestation of these awful critters? They don’t bite or sting…but they are gross. They were coming up out of the sink. They were hanging out in the pantry. They threw a little party in my mouth hole when I was calling my kids to come down for dinner. No mercy was shown on my part. I’d smack them around while calling them names. At one point I remember clapping my hands in the air trying to squash them while yelling, “Die you little motherfuckers! Die!”

Yep…they got the better of me…but they didn’t get the best. I had a plan, and it was intense.

TRAPS!

I was going to catch every last one of them with my homemade traps.

First, I made this one:

I didn’t have cling wrap so I put my thinking cap on and I used painters tape and a cut up Ziplock baggie, strawberries, and vinegar. I poked holes in the top as you can see.

Next, I saw somewhere on planet Google, that funnels were a good idea, so I made this little beauty:

I added soap to the vinegar/strawberry combo and again used painters tape to make a funnel.

Unsure if these creations would work, I made an orange juice trap out of a Seagram’s soda bottle:

I even texted my friend, see…

I hadn’t yet caught a single fly, so I found some guacamole and made a trap out of that:

I desperately ran around checking each trap and everytime I did the fruit flies that would have been dead meat, would scatter. I was sabotaging my own plans!!! I had officially lost it! I didn’t think there was enough traps! It wasn’t that they weren’t working, right??? It was that there weren’t enough traps!! Silly me!

There was one idea I had left…I found a citrus flavored laxative drink thingy, because first of all, you never know when you might need it, and secondly I read on the world wide interweb somewhere, that these sick little pricks are attracted to citrus-y stuff!

So I pondered the idea, questioned myself, and consulted with my friend again:

Ultimately I decided to not waste good wine, or a good laxative on these little beasts. I let my traps lie for about 5 days. The results were shocking!!!

I caught about 23 fruit flies. 23 out of about 9,000. I tried to be proud of myself. I gave it my all. And hey 23 is better than nothing, right? I mean those 23 flies could have all had little baby flies and I’d have 23 more litters of tiny winged assholes taking over my home.

It wasn’t a total loss. I figured heck, once it cools off (the first freeze in a few months) they’ll die off. But then…I found this spawn from hell in a refreshing Kettle Soda cocktail I made at the end of a long day.

Game back on. You don’t mess with expensive vodka.

So, I found a trap at Walmart yesterday and it was one of two left on the shelf. So I bought them both.

LOOK!!!!!

Less than 24 hours later I’ve caught more floot fwies, I mean fruit flies than I did in 5 days with my homemade traps (the other store bought trap has about the same amount of fly carcasses). So am I satisfied? Hell yeah. What next you ask? I’m going to what any (rational) person would do of course. I’m going to the other Walmart across town and I’m going to buy all the traps they have left.

This is how I caught fruit fries, I mean fruit flies. But…my advice as an expert:

Skip all the traps and go to Walmart before the secret gets out and all the traps are gone. Hurry up. They’re probably all doing it doggy style right now in your sink and they’re all getting pregnant!! Go! Go! Go!!!!