Ahh Motherhood…isn’t it just wonderful? It is. But sometimes (a lot of times) I feel like I have no freaking control. When everything seems to be going fine, someone will puke, or I’ll forget what day it is, or I can’t find anything, or a raging fit will come from one of the kids out of no where and my life will inevitably be sent into a tailspin. Motherhood is great and all, but I just want to be able to fucking control my shit! I need a remote control.
Where’s the goddam remote???
Wouldn’t a MUTE button be a gem? The sounds of little voices are extremely adorable. Except for when they are shrieking, squealing, whining, fussing, or doing the high-pitched screech from hell that children specifically use to test your patience and make sure you can really manage parenting without stopping to freebase every couple of hours. Although most of us pass this test, wouldn’t it be simpler to just hit mute? Never underestimate the glorious sounds of silence and what it can do for your sanity.
How about REWIND? This one would be a dandy. Say for example, you forgot it was picture day and you sent your kid to school looking like you pulled his shirt out of a wadded ball in the bottom of his drawer, because that’s exactly what you did…Rewind that shit and put him in a tuxedo t-shirt so he looks sleek and classy. Problem solved. Or maybe…oh man, maybe you let your kid sleep with you a few times and now you can’t get the little sucker back in his own bed. You’re now a born-again virgin, who sleeps with a knee in your back every night and you take Aleve twice a day for pain. Hit that rewind button and stick to the “sleep in your bed” rule. Problem solved. Just imagine all the things you screw up that could be fixed with a simple press of this magical button.
FAST FORWARD. Does this even need an explanation? Think about those long days when you got nothing left in your bones at 3 p.m. You can hardly keep your eyes open and the day is dragggging A-S-S. We’ve all been there. The “get this day the hell over with” feeling takes over. Press this convenient button and Goodnight sweetheart, sleep tight. Or…think about those dance recitals that some of you poor souls have to go to. You get stuck watching 3 hours of leotards and tap shoes, and your little angel is on the stage for a total of 2 minutes and 32 seconds. Fast forward past all those strangers’ kids, and problem solved. This is called time management and if you ask me…it’s brilliant!
POWER. Turn it off! Do you ever just wanna turn everything off for a while and get your bearings? I’m not too proud to admit that I get overwhelmed and every now and then I need to take a motherfuckin’ breather. 24 hours a day is a lot of time to be “on.” The list of things you have to get done is scientifically impossible! You haven’t slept in 3 years, your phone won’t stop ringing, and you think one of your kids is getting pink eye. Turn that shit off!!! Relax, maybe hit the beach…go to Vegas…take some shots, or better yet…take nap. Then, once you clear your mind a bit…game on. Power up.
PAUSE. Oksee Doksee, so I’m about to get a little sappy up in this bitch. A pause button may be the most important click on the clicker. The special moments go by so fast (I don’t care if people are sick of hearing that phrase because sorry…it’s true). Snuggle time is the best because you know your kiddo is getting older and you never want to let them go. Time to press pause. Wouldn’t it be nice to make it last longer? Or when your kid laughs hysterically and for a brief moment in time, has not a care in the world…and you just want to stop and absorb it. Let’s face it, nothing’s better than seeing your kid legit happy. There are so many moments that I know I would like to pause (including the rare occasion that they sleep in). But it’s also because as parents, we aren’t always ready for them to grow up. Can’t we just keep them little for just a bit longer? Pa-leeeeze?!?! Pause this while I grab a tissue…
See, I told you we need a remote control. Unfortunately we aren’t lucky enough to have such a device, but a girl can dream. I’d be pressing buttons left and right, totally slaying this whole motherhood thing. Life would be a breeze. Everything would be so much easier.
But one thing would not change.
See, even if I did have a remote control for motherhood, I would still be me. My imperfect and out of control self. And that my friend leaves one very important fact that places a giant hole in my dreams for this innovative and handy device. And that is:
I would never be able to find the goddam remote…
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