Awesome-Ish Answers To Pregnancy Questions

Many questions will be asked of a pregnant lady. There are lots of awesome ways to answer! I personally was never offended by pregnancy questions. I am however…a giant smartass, so without further adieu…

Announcing I was pregnant with my second child, when my first was 8 months old.

“Did you guys do that on purpose?”

No. Ya see…what happened was my husband and I were both walking on a luxurious marble floor that was covered in melted butter and for some reason, neither of us were wearing any pants. We both slipped and fell and our private parts collided with such great force that it resulted in fertilization. So here we are. Due in March…

On finding out we were having our third boy…

“Are you upset that it’s not a girl?”

Great question! Thanks for asking! I’m effing pissed. I have contacted the customer service department about this and complained that this is just NOT what I ordered. I have heard that the return policy on these things are a real bitch to deal with. I guess I’ll have to suck it up and feed the little critter once he’s born. I’ll just leave a crappy review online about my dissatisfaction.

When making the decision to be a stay-at-home mother…

So, you are going to stay at home? You mean you’re not gonna work?

Actually, I just bought a sleep number bed. It’s fantastic! So once the little sucker is born, I’m going to make sure everyday that my bed is properly adjusted and I’ll just enjoy the peace and tranquility of a quiet and dark room. I will make sure to have my husband come in and move my ass around every now and then when he gets home from “work” to prevent bed sores. But no. I’m not gonna work. Life will be a breeze and aww shit…I just upgraded my cable too…so I’ll even get the porn sites! Can I get a hells yeah?!

When someone asked me about my birth plan…

Aren’t you scared to have a big baby come out of your vagina? I mean…won’t it hurt?

Aww hell…are you effing kidding me? I’m not scared. The thought of my lil’ lady-hole dividing like the Grand Canyon while waving my legs in the air like I just don’t care and having to push a human out of there with my own insides? Well that sounds about as laid back as a Sunday brunch. Besides…if it gets rough, I’ll have them bring in the jaws of life and they can simply pry ‘er open for me and take him out manually. Scared??? Bahahahaha!!! Michael Myers makes me scared. Fucking clowns with knives make me scared. Childbirth?!? Get outta here with that shit….

*they all ended in C-sections anyways…

When my friends asked me to go out for girls’ night.

How ’bout you come out with us Friday night? Oh…and since you can’t drink, would you please be our driver?

First off…how thoughtful of you! I can only imagine that in planning this event you were thinking of me and about how much you want to hang out with me. You know…when you mentioned it was dollar-draws and $2 wells night at that really fun bar downtown, I just knew this would be right up my alley! Of course I’ll drive you bitches, but keep in mind, I’m pregnant as fuck. So if this “girls’ night” lasts past midnight, I’ll pitch in for you to get a cab home. K?

When I gained 65 pounds with my pregnancy (not kidding).

Are you sure you’re not having twins?

Nope. I’m not. There could be 18,000 babies in here at this very moment, but I wouldn’t know because I just realized yesterday that I was getting a bit bigger. In fact…I haven’t yet, at 38 weeks taken an actual pregnancy test or had a sonogram to even verify a pregnancy. I simply assumed I was preggo and due at any given moment just from the kicks and lack of a menstrual cycle for 8 months, but I also like fries and peanut butter cups, so there’s that. So no way sugar tits…I’m not sure that it’s not twins…or quadruplets, or some Guinness Book of World Records shit. Now hug me and take me to a buffet.

***Oh yes. You will encounter many-a-question during your 9 months of incubating that expensive little night owl that’s inside of you.

BUT…try not to waste your time getting offended. Take it all with the grain of salt that you are currently craving and laugh a little.

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That Day My Son Wrote A Book About His Brother

The other day, I pulled this out of my 2nd grader’s backpack. He wrote a book. He wrote it for his brother…and I love it.Wybook5

Tourette’s/Tics

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Tics or Tourette’s is not a bug. It’s a syndrome. Like open wide or waving. Maybe blinking.

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Tourette’s is also disrespected. It shouldn’t be. Tourette’s can be many things, also singing.

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That’s not all. Tics is a shorter version of saying Tourette’s but not always. Life is that way.

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My brother has Tourette’s and people disrespect him. I have 2 dogs and a lizard. I wrote this on the age of 7.

***

And so when I read this, I cried. It was a full on tear drops-on-the-shirt-grab-the-Kleenex cry.  He has never mentioned the tics in a negative way to his brother. Not once. Not ever. We’ve certainly talked about it to him and it’s definitely not a taboo subject in our home. But we are all so used to it. So I never really thought about how he perceived the whole thing. But now I realize that my 7 year-old notices the stares and the whispers when we go out. He gets it.

As the mother of a child with Tourette’s, I worry. I worry A LOT! I worry about the misunderstandings associated with TS. I worry about how my child will be treated in life (Yes, one of his tics is singing and I love it, and it’s always rock, like really good rock too. He has great taste in music).

But…I worry about my other child too. I worry about everything in his life and how he’s doing and if he has a friend to play with at recess or not. I worry about if he’s happy and confident and if he’s gonna catch Ebola and every other thing in the world. I’m a mother and I can’t help it.

But my boys are best friends. That’s why this means so much to me. As much as I worry about both of them, they have each other. They. Have. Each. Other.  And there’s a cute little book made out of card stock that proves it.