Does She Cuss Like That In Front Of Her Kids???

Being a blogger/writer person I have gotten use to criticism. I ALWAYS read the comments. I’m super lucky because I feel like I have the most supportive and awesome followers and you have no idea how much that means to me. I love to see people’s points of view and how they react to the things that I’ve written. I can take the heat, good or bad. However, the one comment that makes me cringe is this one. You ready? Okay here it is:

“Oh the language in this article! Does she cuss like that in front of her kids?”

I’m gonna settle that shit right here and now in my own typical sarcastic way. Yes. I do.

In fact, this morning as my three kids woke up and walked in the kitchen, I greeted them with, “Good morning fuckers!” I then gave them cereal, orange juice and a gummy vitamin. We had a fairly crazy morning as usual. “Okay boys, go brush your goddam teeth and fix your hair,” I said with a friendly smile.

After I threw a signed permission slip in my oldest’s backpack, I gently reminded him, “make sure you turn in this motherfucking permission slip buddy, or your ass isn’t going on that damn field trip. I don’t want you to miss it, ’cause that shit’s gonna be educational as fuck.”

He promised me that he wouldn’t forget.

I hugged and kissed my two oldest sons goodbye. “You guys get out there and make this day your bitch, okay? Oh, and sweethearts, please don’t act like dickheads at school! I love you, you little assholes!”

After that I went and read a book with my 4 year-old. First he chose a Dr. Seuss book, but I explained to him that I couldn’t handle that shit right now so to go pick a different one. When he returned with, “I Love You Forever” I clapped and yelled, “Awwwww shit! This book used to make me cry like a pussy ass bitch, but I love it. Now get over here and let’s read this shit.”

Then my phone rang. “Oh son-of-a-whore!” I yelled. “Why the hell do these motherfuckers always have to interrupt story time?” I declined the call. The story continued and we finished it with a giant bear hug and then read one more. Next, we had a great idea to go surprise his older brothers at school and meet them for lunch. They were so excited to see us!

“WHAT UP BITCHES?!?!” I threw my hands up and yelled as we walked into the cafeteria. “LET’S GET FOOD! I’M SO HUNGRY I COULD EAT MY OWN TITTIES RIGHT NOW!” I went and sat with my boys and talked a bunch of shit to the kids at the next table. It was really special and I love getting to spend any extra time I can with my children. These moments go by so fast and (like Steven Tyler) I don’t wanna miss a thing.

After a fantastic lunch, they hugged me and their little brother goodbye, and I turned and yelled, “I’ll see you little bastards after school! I love the shit out of you!” I blew a kiss in their direction, flipped them off and walked out the door.

BUT REALLY…

If I stub my toe in front of my kids, I may say “shit.” Or if I drop something, it may occasionally be an F bomb. I am a grown up and once in a while I may say a bad word in real life. But the fact of the matter is, I write for an adult audience. My children don’t read my blog. So basically, someone suggesting that I “cuss like that in front of my kids” in the same way I write a humorous article, well that’s just the dumbest fucking shit I’ve ever heard.

I hope that clears things up a bit.

I love all you motherfuckers!!! Thanks for reading me 🙂

Advertisements

I Just Don’t Have My Sh*t Together

Are you often referred to as a “hot mess,” a “trainwreck,” or “that mom?” Well guess what? So am I. And I don’t give an F-word. It’s just how I roll. There are so many scenarios in which I do not have my shit together, but I’m trying hard. I really am.

*I mean, so what if I send school permission slips in with a dab of spaghetti sauce on them once in a while?

*Who cares if I forgot that it’s “hat day,” or “pajama day,” or “wear a flip-flop on your ear day” at the kids’ school? If it wasn’t important enough for the kids to remember, then that’s on them, K? Not me.

*And yes you can ride with me, just slide all that shit off the passenger seat onto the floor and I’m sorry all the cupholders are full. They are all old drinks, so feel free to dump one out the window and throw the cup in the back to make room for your pretty water bottle.

*No sorry, I don’t carry Band-Aids, Kleenex, or hand sanitizer on me, but I could offer you a hug and some Goldfish crackers?

*I know…I know…my kiddo is wearing two different shoes and the the other one has his shirt on inside-out. But really, it’s that third kid…you can’t see it, but his underwear are on backwards, I mean that can’t be comfortable.

*I may not be excellent at returning phone calls, but it tends to get loud in my house and I don’t want to be rude by yelling, “SHUT YOUR BIG YAPPERS!” at my kids while I’m on the phone. I’ll get back to you eventually, I promise. Let’s just text, shall we?

*I’m sorry I have a “late problem.” From now on let’s just add 30 minutes on to whatever time I say I’m going to meet you. Problem solved.

*Okay, so I accidentally sent my kids to school without coats today in the 30 degree temps because I was looking at the forecast in Vegas instead of the local weather. BUT…I took coats up there once I realized it, so it’s cool.

*Oh good gracious. Would you look at that? I can’t seem to find my credit card for all of these groceries that are already rang up. Yes, I know there’s people behind me. I swear I just had it. Oh for the love of….oh wait! Here it is at the bottom of my purse. Sorry about that. It was underneath two matchbox cars and a Pull-Up that’s been in my purse for months. Oops-a-daisy. Is it the green or red button for credit? Oh wait…this is debit.

*My kid is having a birthday party and guess what? You are invited!!! When is it? Tomorrow at noon. Late notice I know, but don’t worry…it’s no biggie. I won’t get mad if you can’t come and I don’t even expect an RSVP. I don’t keep track of shit like that, so no pressure.

*Oh man! I know I was supposed to make a dessert, but these store-bought cookies are better than anything I could hand-make. I’m not very good in the kitchen, but I still like to contribute. So here ya go. And I brought wine. So now there’s wine.

*I can’t confirm plans, but I’ll make tentative ones with you. I can’t set anything in stone. One of my kids WILL puke if I do so. It’s almost like magic. I just don’t jinx myself and more importantly, I don’t jinx my kids like that.

*Please excuse the fact that the receipt with your kiddo’s birthday present shows the date and time and you can clearly see that I bought it on the way here. I mean, it’s the thought that counts and we showed up. And aww snap…I actually remembered to ask for a gift receipt this time. Sorry I forgot a card though. Damn, I always forget the card!

*I am dressed up for this event! Okay, so they may be jeans, but they aren’t yoga pants and I didn’t sleep in them last night. What do you want from me? A freakin’ kidney?

*My phone is out of battery. It was laying by the charger all night but I forgot to plug it in. And I forgot the car charger in my house. Yes, I know it belongs in my car. Yes, I know it’s not that hard. No further questions please.

The list could go on and on.

So yes, I tend to be the mom that’s all over the place. But hey, it’s not the end of the world. There are plus sides to being this way. I can laugh at myself and I don’t judge other moms. I’m able to look beyond their disheveled hair and shirt stains and see that there may be some major behind-the-scenes shit that they ARE holding together. And when dealing with BIG stuff, some of us tend to forget trivial details. Many of us are forgetful. Lots of us are overwhelmed. Many of us are smiling through exhaustion, or depression, or some other major life stressors. And honestly, this “ hot mess” vibe is just the way that some of us are wired. We are doing the best we can.

At the end of the day, there’s no trophy or award given to the mom that has it all together. And I wouldn’t want it anyway because it would probably just end up broken, lost, or covered in something sticky, cause you know…

I just don’t have my shit together.

Bitch slap that like or share button if ya liked this!! Thanks!