My Ridiculous Avocado Story

Have you ever really wanted an avocado? Have you ever had the ingredients to make guacamole and gotten really excited about it?

But your avocados weren’t ripe enough yet. So you couldn’t make it…

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And so it made you sad. And it brought you down and reminded you of all the other stuff you can’t do. You began to actually feel like this avocado. It was like you were existing and knew you had potential to be something great, but you just weren’t there yet? And there was no guacamole there to comfort you?

I’ve been there. Once, my kids were at my mom’s house and I was caught in this very same predicament. Here’s my story:

See, I had remembered reading something online a long time ago from some random-ish website that you should put the avocados in a paper bag to speed up the ripening process. So clearly, I had to go to the liquor store and get a bottle of vodka.

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Then I naturally removed the beverage from the bag and filled the empty bag with the avocados.

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Then, all I could do was wait. And I thought, what the hell? I may as well make a cocktail. There’s no need to waste a perfectly good bottle of alcohol. I even used a fun cup so that I felt fancy while I waited for my avocados to ripen.

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I wasn’t sure how long this process would take, so I thought it would be wise to make another beverage.

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This was taking way too long.  But something had changed. I thought to  myself, “hey self…you are multi-tasking the living shit of this situation right now.” I felt like I didn’t have to sit around and wait to be great! And neither did the avocados! I didn’t need to be sad anymore. I was going to make that guacamole come hell or high water because the liquid courage told me I could. So I dug them out of the paper bag and cut ’em up just like I saw Barefoot Contessa do it on Food Network.

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Except it didn’t work. I dug at it with all my might, yet still it was pointless. The pieces were hard and the pit broke in half and it was a disaster.

The avocados and I were both completely wasted.

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I learned something from this experience though. I learned after researching that it takes at least two days to ripen them in a brown paper bag. And since I just bought some avocados and I may feel like having guacamole this weekend, I better be proactive and head to the liquor store now to get a new paper bag.

The End.

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