Things I Learned The Hard Way (So Now You Don’t Have To)

Look, I’m just putting this out there. It’s up to you if you want to follow my advice.

Do NOT take a laxative and Benadryl combination before bed. I don’t care how bad you want to poo or how sniffly and itchy your nose is. Do you wanna wake up at 3 a.m. with gut wrenching stomach cramps and Ole Faithful coming out your asshole all while sleep-walking your way to the shitter? No. You. Don’t.

Do NOT make a joke at preschool drop-off like, “I swear I didn’t freebase this morning, I’m just not a morning person.” People may actually think you’re on drugs and will then slowly back away from you and act as a human shield in front of their child. And then shit just gets awkward.

Do NOT tell your kids “maybe,” unless you mean 100% absolutely YES without a doubt, not even a natural disaster will prevent whatever this thing is that you are “maybe-ing” from happening.

Do NOT buy candy at the movie theater. I know I know. It’s against the rules. But you’re already paying a gazillion bucks to take your family to see the latest hit “animated motion picture” and movie candy is EXPENSIVE! If you wanna waste your hard-earned dineros on Milk Duds, that’s your prerogative. But I’m gonna grab a great big purse, fill it with Dollar Tree candy and drinks. Then I’ll buy the popcorn at the theater because movie popcorn is well…priceless.

Do NOT clean your house before your kids have friends over. This especially applies to bathrooms before sleepovers and those with boys. You may as well just go and piss on everything yourself. Go ahead. In fact, go one step further and piss in a water gun…go into every bathroom and just shoot. Aimlessly. Close your eyes and blast away. Because that’s what you’re going to wake up to anyways.

Do NOT take people’s shit. You can still be a nice person and have a backbone. It’s taken me almost my whole life to realize this.

Do NOT try to substitute olive oil for vegetable oil when you are making brownies. All oils are not the same (I thought an olive was a veggie so…). But they’ll taste like shit and your kids will lose respect for you and you will lose respect for yourself. Trust me on this one.

Do NOT expect to have an immaculately clean home when you have kids. It ain’t gonna happen. They are going to puke, step in dog shit, play, throw socks that land in hanging light fixtures and you won’t know it until the fire alarm goes off because that sonofabitch has caught on fire. Phew…shit happens, so don’t expect it not to.

Do NOT forget to laugh. Laugh at funny movies, videos, funny stuff your kids say, but mostly do not forget to laugh at yourself. You are probably one of the funniest people you know if you stop and think about all the weird shit you do.

*Hope this helps a little bit. Or at least gave you a chuckle

Bitch-slap the like button or share if you like. Thanks for reading me.

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