Tips, Truths, and Surviving Your Disney World Vacay

The family and I just got back from Walt Disney World. I just have a few thoughts/tips/tricks/and fricks to give, so I thought I’d share them with you.

Bring Money. Bring Lots And Lots Of Money.

If you’re like me and you aren’t “filtered” you may find yourself yelling “SEVEN DOLLARS for a hotdog??? Is this for real? Lemme talk to Walter Disney! This is some bullshit!!” You may then consider asking your family to fill up on packets of free ketchup to keep their blood sugars up so they can enjoy the next magical attraction without fainting. Everything is expensive. You’ve been warned.

Disney Serves Booze At The Parks!

They really do! At Epcot, Animal Kingdom and Hollywood Studios. So I suggest hitting up The Magic Kingdom on your first day there. Because by the second day…you may need a cocktail or three.

No One Likes You.

They really don’t. What looks like a lovely family in matching Mickey-T-shirts will literally run over your small children with their stroller while singing “Move Bitch…Get Out the Way.” All of this because they hate your guts and don’t want you to get in ANY line in front of them. To the other tourists, you and your family are nothing but pond scum.

Bring Grandma. Bring Her Ass!

Not only do you have an extra set of hands, but when you are ready to climb to the top of Splash Mountain and hurl yourself into the briar patch, she’ll take the younglings for a bathroom break and then buy them cotton candy. You won’t care that they’ll be cracked out on sugar, you just appreciate the helping hand. So bring granny along. You won’t regret it.

Sleep In!

Everyone wants to be the first one there. Calm. The. Hell. Down. Is this not a vacation? Are you afraid they will run out of seven dollar hotdogs? They won’t! Joining the masses that set their alarm clocks will only make for a long day and you’ll run out of steam by the time the crowd thins out.

Be Honest With Your Children.

Instead of saying, “We are going to see Mickey Mouse!” You should really prepare them upfront by telling the truth. “We are going to be standing for very long time to try and take a picture with Mickey Mouse. You will likely bitch and moan the whole time. When we finally get to the front of the line, you will probably have to pee, so don’t get your hopes up kiddo.”

Be Prepared To Wait.

Wait for buses. Wait for the monorail. Wait for food. Wait for boats. Waiting is part of the experience. It can be a boring, miserable, sweaty, anxious waiting game. But remember…good things come to those who wait.

You Will Fight.

Time is valuable and everyone in your travel party will have their own ideas on how to make the most of it. This is natural. For example, you may see a mom who is rage-pushing a double stroller and a dad trailing behind looking like he just got his ass chewed. This is usually for something as simple as him wandering off to look at overpriced merchandise while she spent 30 minutes looking for him after SHE had to be the one to take the kids to the bathroom, again. Now she’s pissed because she told him to STAY RIGHT THERE and wait for her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But he couldn’t stay right there. He just HAD to wander off! How hard is it to stay in one freaking spot??? I mean for the love of all that is holy! He should have just stayed there for f*ck’s sake!

Last But Not Least:

This Will Be An Awesome Experience

No matter the money, the waiting, the fighting, all it will take is one moment. It will be a moment when you see pure magic in your child’s eyes. Maybe it’s while watching fireworks, maybe it’s seeing the castle for the first time. But you will get a what I can only assume (I swear) is a heroin-like euphoria watching the looks of happiness on the faces of your children. It will make it all worth it. Just keep in mind that after the high, you will totally crash and then you’ll want to do it all again.

So be prepared to start planning your next trip the day after you get home. It’s stressful, expensive, crowded but most of all, it’s magical AF.