The Perfect Mom

Today, I’m going to be sharing some delicious festive fall recipes that I have tried and I’m sure you will love!!! Get out your aprons…your tastebuds and your families will thank you. Not really…I’m just bullshitting. I don’t cook.

My question is: Are You the Perfect Mom?

  • Do you vaccinate? If you have answered either yes or no to this question…you are not perfect. Some will argue that there are too many unknown chemicals in vaccines, while some want to prevent polio.
  • Do you feed your children high vegetable and fruit diets with low sugar and only healthy fats? If you answered either yes or no, then you suck. Some will argue that not sticking to a completely healthy diet will result in childhood obesity, while some believe kids should enjoy a treat now and then.
  • Did you have a glass of wine on occasion while pregnant? If this answer is a yay or a nay, then you should be ashamed. Some believe that even a drop of alcohol is not safe for a growing fetus, while others will argue that a glass of red wine is good for the maternal heart rate, which could be beneficial to the baby.
  • Have you spanked your child…ever? Check Yes or No…you’re just plain awful! Many experts believe that spanking teaches kids to hit. Many others might feel, “that kid needs his ass beat.”
  • Are you a helicopter mother who watches over your children because you are constantly worried about their safety and emotional well-being? Now if you say yes or no, I’m calling child protective services. Many believe that children will not develop proper coping techniques in life if you protect them from everything. On the flip side, there are those who will kick your ass if you mess with their kids.

The truth is that I’m finding no matter what we do, it’s always wrong, according to someone. I wish everyone would just shut their big mouth holes and let us parent our own children. My favorite are the “judgy” mothers who pop out a kid and all of a sudden they are “experts” about EVERYTHING. I have three children and I will still admit that I don’t know what the hell I am doing. No one’s perfect, with the exception of Mary Poppins. However in my opinion, I wouldn’t be surprised if that “spoon” full of sugar didn’t have a lighter underneath it to help the medicine go down. Just sayin…

Motherhood: What I Say vs. What I am Thinking

~ To the man gawking at me at Target while my kids are throwing a fit who rolls his eyes in disgust, and is looking at me like I am the worst mother in the world…

 What I Say: (with a smile) “They must be tired…the little rascals!”

What I am Thinking: Look at me for 2 more seconds asshole and I yell “sick ’em” and my boys will rip the flesh right off your legs all the way to the bone. Trust me…they bite.

 ~To the woman at the park who says “what a cute baby…is it a boy or a girl?”

 What I Say: (smile) “He’s just a pretty little boy!”

What I am Thinking: Does the black shirt with the skulls and cross-bones not give you a clue, you dumb idiot? It’s actually a girl, we just figured she may have gender identity issues, so I dress her like a boy just incase. Perhaps I should take off his diaper for clarification and watch him piss in your face.

 ~To the lady at the pumpkin patch who is pretending not to be taking pictures of me on her iphone as I’m giving my baby a few sips of my Diet Coke (gasp!) which by the way, has probably gone viral…

What I Say: (smile) “Cheese!”

 What I am Thinking: Hey bitch, have you ever wanted to see the inside of your colon? Because I’ll come over there and shove that i-phone right up your ass, and we’ll see how those pictures come out! I sure hope that fancy camera phone has a flash on it!

Being a mother is a tough job. There are a lot of idiots out there that are going to judge you. There will always be people that say stupid things. My advice to you is to just keep smiling, not only does it make you look normal, but it will keep you out of jail.