Biggest Parenting Contradictions

We do our best to teach our kids right from wrong and how to behave in society. At the same time, you do realize we are contradicting ourselves on a daily basis, right? You do it sometimes too, it’s cool. You are probably still a great parent. Here are some of the biggest parenting contradictions:

WTF???

Don’t talk to strangers, but be polite when they talk to you.

My son cold-cocked a lady once at Chuck E Cheese. He got her right in the nose. No joke. It was packed and he turned around and couldn’t find me. I saw him from a distance but was fighting my way through the crowd to get to him. He was terrified. I’ve always told him don’t talk to strangers and if they grab you, you fight them. I don’t care if you have to bite them, just get away. A nice lady, noticed he looked lost and grabbed his arm to ask him if he needed help. He clocked her. Yikes, he was doing what he was told. However, I catch myself reacting to them if a stranger in a store asks them how old they are, or what their name is and they don’t answer. I’m like, “be polite, answer when someone asks you a question.” Total contradiction.

Don’t fucking say bad words!

Even though I write down these words for adults to read, doesn’t mean I spew out swear words all the time in front of my kids. But the occasional, “oh shit” or “dammit” will come out during a spill or a hit in the funny bone. Have you ever knocked your hip on the corner of the counter? Words come out that you didn’t know existed! My children do hear me say these things sometimes. Shit happens. It happens to us. It happens to them. But they are not allowed to say it.

It doesn’t matter what people think. Be who you are, but not like that.

I am constantly trying to teach my kids to screw what everybody thinks and just be themselves. I grew up way too worried about other people’s opinions about my life and I don’t want them to be that way. See-I just did it. “I don’t want them to be that way.” I just made my point.

Turn off the video games as soon as I’m off the phone!

Making doctors appointments, checking emails, browsing Facebook, shopping, playing Candy Crush, FINALLY returning that phone call or text, it seems like I am always on my phone. I try to limit my children’s video game time to a reasonable amount, but I should probably do the same for my electronic devices too. Hypocrite much?

Looks are not what’s important in life, but you are NOT wearing that.

It’s a conversation I have with my kids often…it doesn’t matter what someone looks like on the outside, it’s what’s on the inside that counts. That being said, when I say, “get back in your room, you are not wearing pajama pants and a wife-beater to a birthday party,” they get confused. My seven year-old even said the other day, “Mom, I thought it didn’t matter what we looked like.” Well yes, I may have said that, but…oh, just listen to me right now. Ugh…

Really or not???

Being responsible and on time is important, but hurry up because we are running late! 

How do I expect them to learn to be organized and responsible creatures, when I can’t get my own shit together? With three boys, one is always either sick, hurt, crying, has to pee, or forgetting something, and I am typically right there with them. With so much to do, I am always running late, and they see that. Kids pick up on so much we don’t even realize. Running late is now their “normal.” Well crap.

Don’t be a tattle-tale, but if someone’s mean to you, you need to tell on them.

My five year-old told me yesterday that he told on a boy at school for going inside when he wasn’t supposed to at recess. “Was that the right thing to do?” he asked. Umm…honestly…I don’t flipping know. If I was the teacher I would want to know if a kindergartener was roaming the halls, but I don’t want my kids to be tattle-tales. So I told him this, “If someone could get hurt or could hurt someone else, you should tell. If someone is goofing off, then you should probably mind your own business.” I’m hoping that was the right answer. Hoping. Either way, it could be right or wrong. Aye yai yai.

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~So what’s the answer? How do we solve this problem? Are we going to raise a bunch of terribly confused kids? The answer is most likely yes. That being said, I will place a penny in their pockets each day so they can make heads or tails decisions. Just kidding. I will just do the very best I can. That’s all we can really do right? We can explain that we are not perfect humans and don’t always have all the right answers, but we can also give them the best guidance possible. We will do this while still confusing the hell out of them. I think we should still stick a penny in their pocket though, and take our chances that it’s a lucky one, so they make the right choices.

This parenting thing is one huge contradiction, how else could you possibly love someone so much that shits all over you?

Please share if you like 🙂 Thank you much!

 

 

 

 

 

 

My Shoes

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“Hey, I would be treating that differently if I were you,” said the tall man at the park sitting on a bench who was holding a thermal cup full of something that probably made his breath stink.

My two oldest boys were fighting. There was a water-gun on the ground that someone had left behind, and one of them picked it up. His brother told him to put it down because it didn’t belong to him. They were doing one of those brother on brother, I’m going to rip your flesh off fights that left me standing there wishing I had a gentle lipstick taser.

“BOYS!” I said, “You need to stop it right now!” I was trying to speak as loudly as I could through the pain in my neck.

“If those were my boys, I wouldn’t allow that,” barked the man sitting on the bench.

I wanted to tell him that those would never be “his” boys, because in order for that to have happened, I would have had to have been penetrated by him and I’m not into any guy who looks like he has a talking penis growing out of his neck.

My youngest minion who’s almost two, was climbing up the playground equipment and somehow got his fingers stepped on by a bigger kid, which was totally an accident, but it hurt. He was crying. I went to get him and rocked him back and forth trying as hard as I could to make it all better. Meanwhile, over at Fight Club…the two older boys were still knocking each others lights out. I felt like absolute crap, but muscled through it. 

 “You two, on the sidewalk…NOW!” I said. I was carrying my toddler who I wasn’t really supposed to be lifting.

I could hear the critical words still leaking from the douche-drip’s mouth behind me, and I just ignored him. Nothing good could have come from me responding. The only words that would possibly have flown out of my mouth would’ve started with an F and ended with a YOU. I did my best to talk the boys through it and after everyone calmed down, we decided it was time to go. My boys hugged it out and we piled into my pimp-ass minivan, ready to get back to our house. I was ready for my husband to get home. I desperately needed to lay down and take some medicine.

When we left the park that day, I restrained my middle finger and kept it in it’s place, wanting so badly to flip that guy off. He had no idea how I felt. I had recently had cervical disc replacement surgery and was in a lot of pain. I could barely physically move around, let alone chase three kids. However, I was trying. I had felt so guilty for not being my “normal self” that I didn’t want the boys to miss out on the rare nice weather. I felt they deserved a day at the park. Their schedules had been thrown off. Their normals had been changed. It was no wonder they were so on edge. I’m not saying it was okay for them to kick the crap out of each other, but come on. 

The thing is, you don’t know what a person is dealing with. For me, my neck problem is treatable. I am lucky for that. Some mothers may be battling cancer, depression, the loss of a loved one, a trauma, they may have just talked a person off a ledge; you just don’t know. Sure, some moms are lazy and don’t watch their kids and that is annoying, but there are plenty of times when people are behaving a certain way for a reason. That is why I believe that until you’ve walked in someone else’s shoes, you probably shouldn’t judge.

Besides, mine are a size five. That grouchy judgy ol’ prick would never be able to fit in my shoes.

As always, share it on one of those buttons down there if you agree and thanks for taking the time to read.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Little Monster

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It’s the one in the middle. That adorable little monster. That’s who this is about. The one in the diaper with the sweet little brown curls.

I have come to the conclusion that I will never get anything done for at least the next thee years. I am not being dramatic. I am being realistic. Dishes…screw ’em. Laundry…toss it out when it stinks and buy new clothes online. Cooking…Pizza Hut and any place that will deliver. I was room mom/holiday party planner for both my older children’s classes…I had to have someone come and put up my own Christmas tree, because I couldn’t do it. I’m officially about to become a hoarder, because I have no time to clean up or take out the trash. I wonder if I could collect disability? All of these things come down to one reason and one reason only…my TODDLER!

 Please bear in mind that I have yet to birth an “easy” child. All three of mine have been tough. My first two boys were seventeen months apart and were chronic ear infection babies and very active toddlers. Extremely active. Active enough that I had to have “special conferences” at 4 hour a week preschool which I enrolled them in to get socialized and let’s be honest, to have a few minutes to catch up on laundry. These two would have been easier to raise in the woods of Alaska with no heat or electricity than this third one I had four years later. I think he was born with a turbo button that I have not yet figured how to change the settings on.

 Don’t get me wrong. He is so cute that its sickening. He is trying to potty-train at twenty months and is extremely smart, cuddly, and beautiful. He is my joy and I love him so much that I sometimes cry while watching him sleep because the love I have for this boy is overwhelming. Sometimes, I cry tears of joy when he’s asleep just because I’m so happy that he’s finally fucking asleep. Without him, I would be incomplete. He is my force, my soft spot, my beautiful child. He’s also going to turn me into a raging alcoholic.

 Hell bent on making it to the emergency room, and usually armed with a sucker punch, he takes up every waking and non-waking moment of my day. How can something so precious be so destructive? And anyone who wants to give me the “parenting style” bullshit can take a walk. He was born this way. The minute I looked into his eyes, I knew he was Rowdy. That’s his name. Yes, that’s on his birth certificate. I call ’em like I see ’em.

 So if you see me on the street or in a store and I am naked, drunk, and unshowered, (which could be an interesting sight) please don’t judge. There is a reason for it, and I will have a driver…I’m going to give up driving too. Just no time to renew my license. I’m going to continue to love him and enjoy every moment of his childhood, despite the stress and the fact that he needs a straightjacket.

 I must go now as I am pretending to be upstairs “using the restroom”…I may give that up too and just get a catheter.

 Have a great weekend everyone! I will too, with my little maniacs, and my husband that actually thinks I would waste my time “using the restroom”…sucker!

 ~Kristen

 

The Colors That Matter…

I do not share “personal” stories on my blog that often, but this one was kind of a big deal to me…you have to read it all the way through to get the point.

During a car ride with my three children to get my Diet Coke, which is something very routine that I do many times a day, one of my boys (my 5 year-old) asked me a question, “Mom, are the guys who have lighter skin good and the ones who have darker skin bad?”

I immediately hit my inner panic button, which had a red light blinking, and I could hear the alarm going off in my brain. I almost slammed on the brakes. Why would he ask me this? Where would he have heard something like that? What the hell is going on? I looked back at his sweet little face and did the best I could. I explained to him that having darker skin makes absolutely no difference in whether a person is good or bad. I went on and on reaching from everyplace I could find within myself to have this conversation. I knew what to say, but not how to say it to a five year-old.

We don’t discuss people’s skin color in our house. It’s not something that is brought up. There is actually a reason for this, and that’s because I want my kids to see people as being people, and not as being a certain race. My kids have no idea that they are a “white” person and they don’t use the word “black” person. Not that its a bad thing to say black or white, it’s just something I would rather not matter to them. For example, my 5 year-old is very good friends with a little boy who is from India. When I asked which one out of the class he was so that I could meet his parents and talk to them about a play date, he simply described him as “ya know, the one I play with at recess. He’s a little taller than me and has brown skin and he thinks I’m hilarious.”

Anyway, I was sweating balls and determined to drive the point home about how skin color makes no difference. We got to my caffeine castle, which I needed at that point more than ever. I stopped the car, put it in park, and looked in the back of my van at my three sweet boys’ faces. I felt like I had just put in overtime and was nervous as to whether I had just performed this ten minute monologue correctly.

“Do you understand what I’m saying buddy?” I asked.

He looked me at me like I was batshit crazy. “Mom…come on, I know all of that. I meant on Minecraft. You know how like the Creepers are green, white, and black and the Endermen are black with purples eyes. The Zombie Pigs are like all kinds of weird colors. Herobrine looks like Stevie except he has white eyes, he’s a really bad guy, the baddest guy you could ever see. He can beat a giant robot with just one hit. I just didn’t know if you can tell who the bad guys are by what color they are. They are just all different colors.”

My (almost ) 7 year-old chimed in. “Yeah mom, he’s talking about Minecraft. We know that God makes everyone the same and people have the choice whether to be good or bad in real life. Come on, Mom. You really think we didn’t know that?”

Well, guess what?…I treated myself to a Route 44 Diet Coke, instead of my usual Large Diet Coke. The kids got milkshakes and I enjoyed my ride all the way home, and was able to breathe a huge sigh of relief. I had just realized that as imperfect as I am, that I have done something right! It’s about fucking time!!

Just one more tidbit: I am aware that one day they will have to learn that some people do make an issue out of race. I am just so glad that they will not be one of them. There is one slight exception. My oldest son did ask me once if it was possible to get his skin darker because he wants to be like LeBron James. I’m sorry, but that’s cute. Who could blame him? LeBron is the man! 🙂

The Perfect Mom

Today, I’m going to be sharing some delicious festive fall recipes that I have tried and I’m sure you will love!!! Get out your aprons…your tastebuds and your families will thank you. Not really…I’m just bullshitting. I don’t cook.

My question is: Are You the Perfect Mom?

  • Do you vaccinate? If you have answered either yes or no to this question…you are not perfect. Some will argue that there are too many unknown chemicals in vaccines, while some want to prevent polio.
  • Do you feed your children high vegetable and fruit diets with low sugar and only healthy fats? If you answered either yes or no, then you suck. Some will argue that not sticking to a completely healthy diet will result in childhood obesity, while some believe kids should enjoy a treat now and then.
  • Did you have a glass of wine on occasion while pregnant? If this answer is a yay or a nay, then you should be ashamed. Some believe that even a drop of alcohol is not safe for a growing fetus, while others will argue that a glass of red wine is good for the maternal heart rate, which could be beneficial to the baby.
  • Have you spanked your child…ever? Check Yes or No…you’re just plain awful! Many experts believe that spanking teaches kids to hit. Many others might feel, “that kid needs his ass beat.”
  • Are you a helicopter mother who watches over your children because you are constantly worried about their safety and emotional well-being? Now if you say yes or no, I’m calling child protective services. Many believe that children will not develop proper coping techniques in life if you protect them from everything. On the flip side, there are those who will kick your ass if you mess with their kids.

The truth is that I’m finding no matter what we do, it’s always wrong, according to someone. I wish everyone would just shut their big mouth holes and let us parent our own children. My favorite are the “judgy” mothers who pop out a kid and all of a sudden they are “experts” about EVERYTHING. I have three children and I will still admit that I don’t know what the hell I am doing. No one’s perfect, with the exception of Mary Poppins. However in my opinion, I wouldn’t be surprised if that “spoon” full of sugar didn’t have a lighter underneath it to help the medicine go down. Just sayin…