Dear Chatty Cathy,

                   I get it. You want to relax. I see you have a friend there on the bench with you. Playdate, huh? It sure is a great day to be at the park. I’m sure you are catching up, aren’t ya? It’s great to have friends. We moms definitely need our friend time. You are so engrossed in conversation that you feel like a person again, because you’ve done nothing but play with kids since like…forever. I get it. But guess what? We have a wee bit of a problem here…your son is a dick and will most likely grow up to be a serial killer.

Did that sound mean? Well shit. I’m sorry. But it got your attention didn’t it? I’m glad it did, because the fact that your older and larger son just hit my toddler in the face and threw mulch in his eyes sure didn’t. So this here is where the problem lies, I want your kid to quit hurting mine. Is that too much to ask?

I’m sure you are exhausted. That little dandy of a child probably leaves you no down time. Guess what? I totally understand. He’s sure cute. But he’s mean as fuck. No no…I know how much you love him. I respect that and I’m sure he’s just having a bad day. All kids hit at some point, right? In fact, this is my youngest and I have two older boys. So m’lady…I know they can act like little psychopaths, especially in public. I’m sure that he is so sweet when you are at home alone and he gets all cuddly and says all kinds of cute shit. I know you probably dress him up in outfits and post pictures of him for all of your friends to “like” on Facebook. I’m also sure that while you are totally busy gabbing away, that I saw him put another kid in a choke hold and just FYI: he pushed your friend’s little girl off the slide and she’s crying. Yeah, he’s a doll. Just adorable.

Now that you know this keen information, I’d like to offer my advice. Please don’t mistake this for judgment. I am on your team. Moms have to stick together, ya know. Okay, are you ready? Here it goes:

            GET OFF YOUR ASS AND WATCH YOUR FUCKING KID!

See, I told you. I’m not judging. In fact, I’m pretty sure we could be pals. We could invite your friend and we could be a trio. The Three Amigos! We could set up play dates with the kids and go to terrible bounce-house places and we could all get the strep throat together. It’s just that before we can do that, you got to watch that kid of yours. I’m pretty sure my kid isn’t going to want to play with him. You know how I know that? Because my kid is crying and running for his life. Perhaps, if you’d, get off your ass and watch your fucking kid, then you could put a stop to his violence and my kid wouldn’t be terrified of yours. Maybe then, there’d be hope of them developing some sort of rapport, if you will.

If you aren’t interested in my offer of friendship, then no hard feelings. In that case, take this additional piece of advice. It’s okay to be socializing at the park, we all need a break. It’s okay to let our kids go play and be independent. However, glance up once in a while. If you let your kid kick everyone’s ass at the park, not only will innocent kids get hurt, but that lovey of yours isn’t going to learn how to be nice, and no one is going to want to play with him. Not much fun for the little Ted Bundy, now is it? If you have a hitter, or an aggressive child, it doesn’t mean that they will always be this way. Just get off your ass and make him be nice. Trust me, I’ve had a hitter, and it took some work, but now things are going quite swimmingly. Some kids just need a little help learning how to interact with other kids and that’s okay. That’s what you are there for. See how that works? So get up Buttercup. Don’t just do it for me and my kid. Do it for you and yours.